And we're all to blame,
We've gone too far,
From pride to shame,
We're trying too hard,
And dying in vain,
We're hopelessly blissful and blind,
To all we are,
We want it all.
- 'We're All To Blame', Sum 41
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, when I was a teenager…
Don’t be a victim. Free yourself.
Oh, sorry. Wrong opening.
It does feel like a long time ago, though. And sometimes like almost no time at all. Time is funny that way.
Anyway. Several years ago, I’d gotten out of the house for once. We went to the city for the day. It should have been fun. Instead, I grew depressed and hurt as the day went on, because someone was only paying attention to someone else – and not to me.
That night, I raised the subject. They – the first someone – were taken aback, and tried to be understanding. And what they said then has stuck with me to this day:
“I know you felt left out. But why didn’t you join in?”
Because I hadn’t. I’d moped around waiting for the other person to act the way I wanted – and blaming them when they didn’t – with no thought for my own behavior.
Really. The thought never crossed my mind. The situation wasn’t my fault. It was theirs.
Today I’m talking about the victim mindset.
I’ve told that story before, but it’s a good example. By definition, a victim is someone who has suffered injury or injustice at the hands of others. Or simple circumstance. Or both. It’s a natural reaction when bad things have happened. We blame those responsible, bemoaning our fate. This is the victim mentality: it’s all their fault.
I don’t mean to sound glib here. Traumatic experiences, e.g. physical and emotional abuse, leave serious scars. It is a natural reaction. I daresay this kind of thinking is always born from some painful personal problem. It was for me. Growing up, I spent a lot of time alone. I had no idea how to act around people. I didn’t have healthy boundaries, and it showed.
That was then. I’d like to think I’m a better person now. The tendency to blame others for my problems is still there, but I’m growing out of it.
Some people never grow out of it. They spend their lives feeling hard-done-by, thinking the world is against them, using their pain as an excuse for their actions. There are signs. Narcissism and selfishness. An inability to empathize. Constant defensiveness. Lashing out, like a wounded animal, when provoked. Any of these sound familiar?
Most importantly, the victim mindset is a means of avoiding responsibility. It’s all their fault, remember. They are wrong, and I am blameless. I can’t be blamed if my life is outside my control.
Anyway. Several years ago, I’d gotten out of the house for once. We went to the city for the day. It should have been fun. Instead, I grew depressed and hurt as the day went on, because someone was only paying attention to someone else – and not to me.
That night, I raised the subject. They – the first someone – were taken aback, and tried to be understanding. And what they said then has stuck with me to this day:
“I know you felt left out. But why didn’t you join in?”
Because I hadn’t. I’d moped around waiting for the other person to act the way I wanted – and blaming them when they didn’t – with no thought for my own behavior.
Really. The thought never crossed my mind. The situation wasn’t my fault. It was theirs.
Today I’m talking about the victim mindset.
I’ve told that story before, but it’s a good example. By definition, a victim is someone who has suffered injury or injustice at the hands of others. Or simple circumstance. Or both. It’s a natural reaction when bad things have happened. We blame those responsible, bemoaning our fate. This is the victim mentality: it’s all their fault.
I don’t mean to sound glib here. Traumatic experiences, e.g. physical and emotional abuse, leave serious scars. It is a natural reaction. I daresay this kind of thinking is always born from some painful personal problem. It was for me. Growing up, I spent a lot of time alone. I had no idea how to act around people. I didn’t have healthy boundaries, and it showed.
That was then. I’d like to think I’m a better person now. The tendency to blame others for my problems is still there, but I’m growing out of it.
Some people never grow out of it. They spend their lives feeling hard-done-by, thinking the world is against them, using their pain as an excuse for their actions. There are signs. Narcissism and selfishness. An inability to empathize. Constant defensiveness. Lashing out, like a wounded animal, when provoked. Any of these sound familiar?
Most importantly, the victim mindset is a means of avoiding responsibility. It’s all their fault, remember. They are wrong, and I am blameless. I can’t be blamed if my life is outside my control.
This is not a good way to see the world.
The truth is that we always have control over events. Even if only in how we react to them. Heck, the only thing we can control in life is ourselves. Blame is useless. It solves nothing.
The truth is that we always have control over events. Even if only in how we react to them. Heck, the only thing we can control in life is ourselves. Blame is useless. It solves nothing.
So how about some self-awareness. Sometimes the toxic person pointing fingers is me. Sometimes it's you. Sometimes it's all of us.
When bad things happen, it's easy to feel trapped by others, by the world, by fate itself. When all along, the prison is your own mind.
Don’t be a victim. Free yourself.
