'Sometimes life is hard, but sometimes we make it harder than it really is.'
When I was younger, I wanted to be the cool kid.
You know how it goes. Just like the hero of every teen movie ever made, I wanted to be that guy. The one who makes the best jokes, dates the cutest girls and has a brimming social life. The one who’s funny, confident and popular. I wanted to be the life of the party.
Because I wasn’t any of these things.
Instead I was awkward and insecure, uncomfortable in social settings. I was quiet. I stayed home a lot. I felt like I was missing out, that life was passing me by. I dreamed about being someone else.
That was then. Now I’m well into my twenties, and I’ve grown up a little. When I look back on my younger self, it’s with a mixture of curiosity and pity. Because I am more confident now. I’m funny, at least some of the time. I have a busier life, and more friends.
I still get awkward and insecure. But I’m also well-meaning and sincere. I’m still quiet, because I think deep thoughts. Sometimes I even write them down. I work entirely too slow because I want things done well. Social settings wear me out, but I’m fine talking all night with just one or two people. I read books, play games, drink too much milk tea. And I love cats, of all shapes and sizes.
I’m a work in progress. Aren’t we all?
But I don’t want to be someone else anymore. I like who I am.
I’m never going to be the life of the party. And that’s okay.
Today I’m talking about expectations versus reality.
We all have our own beliefs about how life is supposed to go. They may have come from our parents, our upbringing, our religion, our peers. What we never had and wanted, or what we had and took for granted. Each of us views the world in our own unique way. It’s only natural.
But sometimes those beliefs hold us back. We think that because we don’t live up to a certain standard, our lives are doomed to failure. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Let’s start with the demons.
In his excellent book, David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits and the Art of Battling Giants, Malcolm Gladwell discusses how the giants in our lives aren’t as overpowering as we assume. David and Goliath is held up as the original underdog story. But it doesn’t make sense. Goliath was bigger and stronger, true. But David was quick and had good aim. He used a sling and cracked Goliath’s skull. It’s the difference between a sword fight and shooting someone. Was it really so improbable that David won?
David was a shepherd boy, not a warrior. He didn’t live up to Goliath’s standard, and didn’t need to. He won because he fought on his own terms. He defied a demon.
What are your demons?
What makes your heart pound, and your stomach clench, and your hands tremble? What makes you angry and bitter and sad and afraid? What are you running from, but can never escape? They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but what if it breaks you instead?
What makes you want to be someone else?
It’s hard to face these things. Trust me, I know. But for better or worse, our struggle makes us who we are. The demons in our lives can define us – or we can defy them. You might even find they’re not as overwhelming as they seem.
I know it’s hard. But look your demons in the eye.
Be brave when you’re afraid.
Moving on. Adversity is just one area where we’re so often wrong. Another is romance.
For example, Disney.
Confused?
Don’t get me wrong. I like Disney. Who doesn’t have fond memories of their movies1 growing up? The magic and adventure, pathos and laughter. And the romance. Perfect guy meets perfect girl, they overcome their one great hardship, and once the credits roll, the young couple is off living their happily ever after.
Sorry to rain on your parade – but happily ever after doesn’t exist.
Classic Disney is filled with heavily romanticized notions of true love conquering all, flawless figures, and princes coming to sweep the princesses off their feet. Impressionable children grow up thinking this is what love looks like. But it isn’t.
Real love is messier, full of ups and downs, conflicts and misunderstandings, ever-shifting emotions. Passion fades and feelings change. Actually making it all last requires hard work and commitment. Relationships end when a couple gives up, thinking this isn’t how it’s supposed to be.
But it is. It’s their idea of love which is wrong.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, pornography does something similar. It depicts a distorted, hypersexualized view of the world which isn’t real. Not to say Disney and Brazzers are on the same level, porn is far more damaging. But they both have the wrong effect on impressionable young minds.2
To be fair, Disney is evolving with the times. In Frozen, the perfect guy is too good to be true, and familial love is just as important as romantic love. Inside Out has an insightful, bittersweet ending. Moana is (arguably) a princess adventure without any romance at all.
I know it’s not real, you say. But are you sure your beliefs about love are based in reality?
For example, not so long ago, I thought being in love meant feeling warm and fuzzy all the time. Um, no. I believed in love at first sight, not knowing that sometimes a spark needs time to grow. I had a narrow view of what made a woman attractive, only gradually realizing that there’s more than one kind of beauty.
Some are lucky enough to have parents or role models who demonstrate how loving someone really works. But a whole lot of us have to figure it out the hard way. Emotional boundaries, healthy communication, respect and compromise and sexual consent. This is what love is really about – not the idealized fantasy found in popular media.
Relationships are never perfect. Accepting this is the key to making one work.
It’s understandable how we form these beliefs. We all want order, a sense of how the world works. And this leads to the greatest conflict of all.
Do you believe in destiny?
It’s the question that lies at the heart of faith. Is there a divine order? Are the stars aligned or set against us? Or is it all sheer happenstance, emergent history and culture and human nature interacting which creates the life we live today?
I don’t know. I doubt I ever will. In the end, it comes down to one’s beliefs. Those who believe in God will seek God. Those who believe in science will find facts. Those who believe in disorder will see chaos. Humanity has been asking these questions since the beginning of time.
There is one thing I know for certain: life rarely goes the way we expect.
The ideas you have about yourself will be wrong. You’ll face your fears and be forever changed. You’ll fall in love with someone you never saw coming. You’ll take paths you never imagined you’d take, and do things you never thought you’d have the strength to do. And you’ll learn that sometimes, the hardest part of all is letting go.
I don’t believe everything happens for a reason – but I do believe that there are reasons to be found in everything. It’s up to us to learn from the past, to find meaning in hardship, to strive to be better than before. To fight for what we want.
And most importantly, to recognize when our prayers are answered in ways we could never have predicted.
After all. The unseen path could actually lead to something better. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that life rarely goes the way we expect.
And maybe, just maybe, that’s a good thing.
1 Off the top of my head, my favorites were Tarzan, Atlantis: The Lost Empire, and more recently, Tangled. What. I liked the lantern scene.
2 Also check out the movie Don Jon for a closer look at porn addiction and unrealistic expectations.
