Twelve Things I've Learned About Life and Love

2017 feels like the longest year I’ve had in ages.

Not because of how long it took, time is still racing by like an X-Wing shooting for hyperspace. It’s because of the sheer volume of events that have happened. I’m not the same guy I was last December, that’s for sure. I’ve learned and grown. And a lot of what I’ve learned has to do with relationships. For better or worse, most of my year has revolved around one person.

1. Love is not what you expect.

This wasn’t my first relationship. But in hindsight, that first time wasn’t love at all. It was novelty and infatuation, and it was brief. This was the real thing. And it was not at all what I expected.

I’ve written about this before, but it deserves repeating: throw your expectations out the window. Back when I first met the girl I fell in love with, if you’d told me we would come all this way, I would have scoffed. Yet here we are. I wasn’t attracted at first because I had a shallow view of physical attraction. I know now that there’s more than one kind of beauty, beyond what society and the mass media would have us believe. 

Besides, chemistry is only partly physical. It’s also about connection, being able to stay up talking for hours, to unveil your innermost secrets. Being vulnerable and honest with each other. It’s finding someone who reminds you of warmth.

And I spent a lot of time second-guessing all of this. Disney movies and the like have conditioned us to expect fireworks, a revelation, Cupid’s arrow hitting you right between the eyes. I didn’t get any of that. Mine was a quiet moment, a sense of acceptance. I thought, you know what? I’m not going to fight this anymore. This is it. This is how it feels to be in love.

2. Love requires balance.

So you found someone special. That’s great, you’ve gained something wonderful. Now what are you giving up in return?

Like everything in life, relationships are about give and take. We all have limited time, energy and attention, and devoting them to one thing means forgoing others. I gave mine willingly, barely noticing the cost. But there is a cost. Put in too little effort and the relationship withers, but put in too much and you burn yourself out. There has to be a balance.

This works both ways, remember. Appreciate what they’re giving you too. Sometimes you won’t know what they’re giving up to do so.

And that’s the point. You shouldn’t just be there for each other. Make time for family, friends, hobbies outside of work or school. Have time for yourself, to do what you want to do. Read books and pet cats and make art.

And sleep. I like my sleep.

3. Love is not perfect.

If you enter a relationship thinking it’ll be all sunshine and roses, well, I’ve got news for you.

Life and love are a series of ups and downs; you can’t have one without the other. Loving someone means loving all of them. Handling their quirks and insecurities, and the intricacies of their personality. Maybe she gets moody sometimes. Maybe he’s easily depressed. Maybe now and then you just get on each other’s nerves.

Relax. It’s normal. Everyone has flaws. It’s easy to wish for a shining ideal, a picture-perfect prince or princess. There’s just one problem: they don’t exist. In reality, people screw up and make mistakes. We get angry, frustrated and annoyed with one another. Anything else is a fantasy.

There was a point when I realized that I wouldn’t have it any other way. That her flaws were what made her real.

4. Communication is essential.

But you will have fights and misunderstandings. Too much is a bad sign, but a little is healthy. What matters is how we handle conflict.

Again, we’re only human. We misinterpret one another, take things personally or out of context. This is especially true when texting, which lacks the other person’s voice, expression and body language. Raising issues in a constructive way can be difficult. But jumping to conclusions about the other person’s behavior isn’t exactly helpful. Neither is letting problems fester until they burst like an angry pimple.

Talk to each other about the hard stuff. Be honest about your needs, and respectful of theirs. Opening up can be difficult, but you’ll be glad you did.

Vulnerability isn’t just the key to resolution. It’s the key to intimacy.

5. You’ll only learn by doing it.

Go on adventures. Talk to strangers. Kiss the girl.

No matter how much you read or watch or hear, you will never know what something is like until you do it yourself. This is because everyone’s perception is different, based on their own unique life experience and personality. Actually doing it also kills unrealistic expectations. Remember those? You don’t want those. Like it or not, this is the only way to learn.

For example. I used to suck at public speaking. Back in my first year on the job, I was once offered the chance to make an announcement to a large crowd, and turned it down because I had no idea how to do that.

This year I grew more confident. And you know how I got this way? By doing it, actually talking to people, day in, day out. My job hasn’t just given me confidence with animals, but also with people too. I still get nervous, and maybe I always will. But there’s something energizing about facing your fears.

So whatever you wish you could do, if you only had the nerve: go do it. You’ll be awkward and embarrassed, and then you’ll get better. I’m still not the best public speaker, but by now, I’m pretty sure I don’t suck.

6. Do it now.

Because we’re running out of time.

This year saw the first death in my immediate family since I was a kid, and a serious diagnosis not long after. It’s shaken me. We get caught up in our daily routines, deluding ourselves into thinking life can go on this way forever. Then the ending hits you, and everything falls apart.

It’s funny, really. There were so many things I took for granted before. Trips to the library with my mother, running errands and eating pizza together. Little things. I was always distracted, caught up in my own problems. Now I’d give a lot to see those days again. I don’t know if they’re ever coming back.

So appreciate what you have. Spend time with your family. Tell your parents you love them. Work on your passions. Take more risks. Quit that addiction. Eat healthier, get more exercise, get enough rest. Focus on improving yourself. Choose to be better. And if you’re not doing any of these things, start right fucking now.

Trust me when I say that years from now, you’re not going to care what other people thought or what excuses you’re making. You’ll only remember not doing it when you had the chance.

7. Being a man is about making your own decisions.

This one is aimed more towards the male persuasion, but it applies to both genders. Who’s making the choices in your life?

I’ve always been indecisive, shunting choices to someone else. What do I want? I don’t know, what do you want. I told myself I was being considerate of others. But I was really just being insecure. I wanted someone to tell me what to do. Looking back, this was probably a reaction to the uncertainty of my teenage years. But that was then, and this is now.

I never quite grasped that as a man, you’re expected to make decisions. You’re supposed to be comfortable taking the lead. I’d rarely been in a position to do so. This year I was – and I liked it. I felt more confident, like more of a man. It’s only now that I realize that’s how it’s supposed to be, that maturity is about taking responsibility. It’s about making your own decisions.

What? I didn’t have a lot of male role models growing up. So there.

8. It’s all connected.

So you’re not confident. You’ve got low self-esteem. You’re depressed, dissatisfied, paralyzed with fear. You don’t like yourself. I’ve been there; we’ve all been there. Now what are you doing about it?

As human beings, we have a bad habit of believing our actions (or inaction) are without consequence. Witness global warming, deforestation, the vast array of species heading for extinction. Witness addicts in denial, dreamers who sit around and let their dreams die. It’s not a problem, they say. I’ll do it tomorrow. Just one cigarette, just one drink. Just one night. It won’t hurt me. It doesn’t define me.

All lies.

Everything you do defines you. That finally hit home for me this year. I wish it had a long time ago.

One of the most powerful things I’ve learned from Mark Manson is that action inspires motivation. This is why something as simple as making your bed every morning is good for you; it sets a precedent. People wait to be inspired before they take action, and end up waiting forever. They hit rock bottom and only then have the motivation to change. Sometimes it’s too late then.

Our view of ourselves has to be holistic, because everything we do is a part of who we are. You can’t expect to feel good about yourself if all you ever do is eat junk and play video games. Control your vices; kill them if you have to. Be productive, and be creative. Live according to your values. Do things you can be proud of – and you will be.

9. You are your own worst enemy.

But I can’t, you say. I can’t do it. I’m not good enough. I don’t know enough. I’ll never make it.

Stop telling yourself these things. They only hold you back.

I used to do this far too often: I was my own worst enemy. I was afraid I wasn’t any good at things, so I would pick at my flaws like scabs, as though that would help them heal. I actually believed that was better than other people doing it to me, when they never did. So much pointless negativity.

Science has proven that positive thinking enhances creativity and problem-solving skills. It’s like sunlight in your head, illuminating previously unseen possibilities, making you open to trying new things. Negative thinking casts a shadow over everything, giving you tunnel vision, blotting out the answers.

Your level of skill at just about anything is like a tree. The sunlight gives it life, allowing new branches to sprout, new leaves to unfurl. The darkness chokes them before they even have a chance to grow. Which do you choose?

Don’t tell yourself you can’t do it. You can. You just have to believe you can first.

10. The greatest battle is between your head and your heart.

But sometimes you’ll be caught between two different possibilities. What do you do when you’re torn between what you know and how you feel?

Part of being an adult is realizing that sometimes there are no easy answers. Sometimes, you have to choose between two things you truly care about.

I’ve struggled with this for the last few months, and all I can tell you is: go with your gut. If you have a feeling deep down that one path is right, no matter how difficult, then there’s your answer. Doing the right thing is always better in the end. Though the hardest part is letting go of what could have been.

11. Love is not enough.

I spent a long time not wanting to believe this. Part of me still doesn’t. But it’s true: love is not enough.

You see, no matter how in love you are, you still have to figure out the future. Do your goals in life align? Can your relationship survive waiting to be together? If you’re apart, will you be able to bridge the distance?

Love warms you up on the inside, but it’s also an idea. And sometimes that idea doesn’t line up with reality. Sometimes the sacrifices needed to sustain it are too much. And that’s all right. It doesn’t mean what you had wasn’t real, only that it ran its course. Love hurts, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth hurting for.

Sometimes loving someone means letting them go.

12. You can’t rely on someone else to make you happy.

I used to have this idea that if I just had someone to love, I’d be happy. I know I’m not alone here. So many people are waiting for someone to come along and raise them up. I finally found someone, and now I know that this is wrong.

This is the most important thing I’ve learned this year. When you love someone, you want the best for them. You celebrate their strengths and accept their flaws. You want them to succeed, to achieve their goals. You want them to be the person they were always meant to be. You believe in them. And yes, you want them to be happy.

Now why aren’t you applying all that to yourself?

People aren’t medicine. Being in love is great, but it’s not going to magically solve all your problems. Heck, it’ll probably give you new ones. If you rely on someone else for your own happiness, you will always be disappointed, because they were never meant to fill that role. A lover can support you, comfort you, inspire you. But they can’t fix you.

It’s up to you to fix yourself. Only you can make yourself happy.

So build yourself up. Learn new skills and have new experiences. Make peace with your demons, create a life you love and be grateful for the life you already have. What are you waiting for?

2018, here we come.

30 Things That Make Me Happy

So this started out as a challenge on Habitica: every day in November, write down one thing that made you happy. This was easier on some days, harder on others. But it’s been a good exercise in mindfulness. I think I’ll keep doing it. All too often, we focus on the gloom in our lives. This has been a way to keep track of the bright spots – a reminder that it’s the little things that truly matter.

There's more than thirty things. Deal with it.

1 – Unexpected morning messages, just when I needed them.

2 – Photos with friends; making memories.

3 – Lunch with Japanese friends. Travel anecdotes, favorite anime and how live-action adaptations always suck.

4 – Going formal on the spur of the moment. What’s life without a little carpe diem.

5 – Using a water jet on algae-covered concrete. Trust me, it’s very satisfying.

6 – Finding out a complex problem is finally on its way toward resolution. Suddenly the possibilities unfold. The future looks brighter.

7 – Spending time with my mom. Appreciate your parents while you can.

8 – Reading a great fantasy novel. Brandon Sanderson is the man.

9 – In a roundabout way, being inspired to work on my own fantasy novel. I realized that Brandon Sanderson and I actually have something in common: we both have favorite themes, which tend to recur in what we write. Successful people can be intimidating, until you realize they’re not that much different from you.

10 – Watching clouds drift lazily by, and the shadows they cast over distant hills, and green trees swaying in the breeze, and flocks of birds swooping in the sunlight. Knowing there’s an entire world out there, and it’s so much bigger than we are.

11 – Running around playing with hornbills. My job can be exciting sometimes.

12 – Discovering new music. Rock, man. Getting back to the sounds of my adolescence. My Chemical Romance might be broken up, but Sum 41 is still going strong.

Also falling asleep wrapped in something warm, listening to the sound of heavy rain.

13 – Being creative. Working on Wraithblade and coloring. Helps take you away from life’s problems.

14 – After explaining how our young hornbill was rescued, being told by tourists, Thank you for everything you do here.

Also an encouraging letter from my dad.

15 – Kittens! This list would not be complete without cats.

16 – Having a fun conversation with a complete stranger. Once I would have had no idea how to do this.

17 – Reading another good fantasy novel, which I won't link to because spoilers. Go read the first one.

18 – The thrill of applause. It’s fun acting like a frightened tourist wrapped in a python, and then carrying it out with complete nonchalance afterwards.

19 – Wandering around a nice shopping mall by myself. It can be fun doing things alone. You feel free.

20 – The ‘aha’ moment when you realize what you just read applies to you, and you now understand yourself just a little bit better. Mark Manson, yo. He’s good.

21 – Further advances in said problem.

22 – After a long work week, having time to sit back and read.

23 – Thinking about what I want to study in future, and the blended fear and excitement of knowing I’m on my way there.

24 – A long talk about life and love with someone who understands.

25 – Taking a positive step towards my own self-improvement, and feeling motivated because of it.

Also an old friend dropping by at work. Always nice when that happens.

26 – Cuddling one of our friendliest macaws. It’s fun working with animals.

27 – Successful Christmas shopping; getting out of my comfort zone. It’s easy to forget that you must first have no idea what you’re doing in order to get better at knowing what you’re doing.

28 – Knowing I’m coming to terms with the way things are, and moving forwards.

Also simple banter and laughing over nonsense. Some things aren’t all doom and gloom.

29 – Randomly seeing a dog on a shop counter, doing a double take and going inside to pet it. What? I like dogs too.

30 – Spending time with my family. They might get on your nerves sometimes, but if you have people who love you, you’re richer than you think.

December 1 – Bonus entry! Finishing a video game I’ve been meaning to get to for ages.

Really long review coming soon.

Also talking things out with a friend. Catharsis is important. No matter how complicated life gets, everyone needs someone who cares.

And also making people look up what catharsis means.

Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

Gamification: Grab, Habitica and the Power of Recurring Rewards

Uber has changed the transportation game worldwide. 

You can now hail a driver from just about anywhere and be on your way to wherever you want to go within minutes. It’s both cheaper than conventional taxis and more convenient than public transport. Taxi operators are understandably upset. Uber is the upstart, crashing headlong through industry practices, with other ridesharing companies rising in its destructive wake. But this is progress: modern tools like smartphones, social networks and wireless internet combined to create a whole new phenomenon.

Aren’t you at least a little amazed that this is possible? The future is now, people.

That said, Uber also has a string of black marks and scandals to its corporate name, often operating outside the law and actively avoiding law enforcement in countries where it’s illegal. Assuming it is legal where you are, this won’t affect riders (consumers) directly. But it’s something to be aware of.

Because it’s not your only option.

Image credit: Hype

Here in Malaysia, Uber’s Southeast-Asian competitor, Grab, is stealing the show. Both companies use a dynamic pricing model. This means prices fluctuate based on demand. Uber’s prices, however, can be more extreme. Assuming low demand, fares are dirt-cheap. During rush hour, they skyrocket.1 Grab’s prices are more stable and (apparently) don’t count travel time as a factor. Ergo, at times of high demand, Grab is the cheaper option.

Unlike Uber, Grab often gives out free discounts which make rides even cheaper.2 They also give you loyalty points for every ride, which can be saved up and spent on further discounts. There’s also a tier system, whereby collecting a certain number of points raises your membership level and unlocks further bonuses.

See how this works? Though Uber is sometimes cheaper, Grab offers more value for money, with their promos and points and tiers. This all seemed vaguely familiar, until one day it hit me: video games. Treasure, gold and experience. 

Grab works like an RPG.

Today I’m talking about rewards.

Gamification is the application of video game principles to non-gaming scenarios. One such principle is that to encourage a certain in-game behavior, you reward it. This is not a new thing at all. Bonuses, benefits and point-scoring have been around for ages. Credit cards give you points. Heck, my local supermarket gives you points. It’s not that big a deal. But it is an incentive to continue shopping there.

All of human behavior is built around rewards. Think about it. Why do we choose to do anything if not for our perceived benefit? We need to feel rewarded. I’m not just talking about material gain. Your reward for doing household chores could be appreciative family members, or a sense of order. Even selflessness isn’t truly selfless, because we still get the satisfaction of helping others and having done the Right Thing. If we care about something, we invest our efforts in it – and vice versa. It’s that simple.3

To put it another way, we have to feel that the payoff is worth the price. That the effort is worth the achievement. But how many of us recognize that one defines the other?

Winning a medal through hard work and dedication is highly satisfying. The same medal, unearned but intended to make you ‘feel like a winner’, feels worthless. A clean house is a convenience; a house you cleaned is a job well done. The difference is your level of investment.

And video games, for better or worse, excel at making us feel invested. Underneath all the bright colors and action and strategy and narrative, they offer something much more subtle: the illusion of progress. Reaching a new level, clearing an area, defeating a boss. Playing feels like doing things.

These are the principles at work here: investment, progress and rewards. Integral to video games, but applicable to so much more. As others far smarter than I have figured out, doing things can feel like playing, too. 

Image credit: Wikipedia

I first heard about Habitica months ago, but I’m only now getting into it. This is a productivity app masquerading as a role-playing game. Ever wanted to earn gold for doing dishes or level up for finishing that essay? Now you can. You start off as a warrior by default, but can later opt for a healer, rogue or mage. Through completing real-world tasks, your lowly avatar slowly grows into an accomplished badass. 

Yes, of course I'm riding a shadow wolf.

The app splits tasks into Dailies (once a day), Habits (repeatable) and To-Dos (one-offs). They all give you gold and experience once completed, but beware: unfinished Dailies injure you if not completed. You can also punish yourself for bad habits if you so choose. Gold can be spent on in-game items and custom Rewards, where you assign a monetary value to a real-life indulgence.

I drink too much milk tea.

Gaining levels unlocks new skills and powers, which is where the social aspect comes into play. You can join parties and go on quests against amusingly mundane boss monsters, which also helps keep you accountable – because in boss battles, you take damage based on the unfinished Dailies of all party members. Letting your goals slide isn’t just about you anymore. It’s letting the side down.

There are downsides to Habitica’s approach. The interface is quite fiddly and takes getting used to. You have to get invested in it to start with, remembering to input your tasks, give yourself negative marks for bad habits, and so on. And anyone who’s not into video games to begin with would probably avoid this like the plague.

But still. The idea of treating your life as a video game is intriguing. Habitica gives you the same illusion of progress – except you really are making progress. How about that.

Give it a shot. Gamify your life.

I’ll still take Uber when it’s significantly cheaper. I still get lazy and put off dreaded tasks, no matter how much experience they’re worth. Incentives alone aren’t enough to make you do things. Willpower, diligence and critical thinking are as important to a healthy mind as they ever were. 

But rewards can give you a little push in the right direction. Sometimes that push is all you need.

Who says you don’t learn anything playing video games.


1 This is called surge pricing. Based on conversations I've had with drivers and riders alike, it's the main reason people prefer Grab - particularly in congested city centres. A reasonable practice, or is Uber shooting itself in the foot here? You decide.

2 To clarify, Uber does offer discounts. Just not as frequently.

Also, unlike Uber, which interacts directly with your bank account, Grab uses a top-up system much like mobile credit. Drivers reload their digital wallet to begin with; a percentage of each fare is then deducted automatically. Once their wallet reaches a critical low, another reload is required to continue driving.

What surprised me was that from my own experience, drivers will encourage you to use Grab promos when available – because the company pays them the difference in credit. The rider gets an incentive to use Grab for their cheaper fares, and the driver still gets paid. Win-win.

It’s all very efficient. I’m impressed. Grab is currently expanding their digital payments platform into a service in and of itself.

3 Well no, not exactly. Fear, discouragement, laziness and a whole host of other negatives hold us back. If it really was that simple, we wouldn’t need rewards in the first place.

Time of Your Life

‘Suddenly the River swept round a bend, and the banks rose upon either side, and the light of Lorien was hidden. To that fair land Frodo never came again.’

- J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings



Forever is an interesting concept.

It’s an appealing idea, that something can live beyond us, timeless and unchanging. Everyone wants to believe in the golden glow of the afterlife, eternal sunshine and fields of flowers. In the ending that leads to something better. Everyone wants to believe the end isn’t really the end.

Because nothing lasts forever, does it?

Today I’m talking about goodbyes.

Life is all about change. We grow up, finish school, get a job and start a family – not necessarily in that order. Every new beginning is also the end of something else. So we say goodbye. It might just be for a little while. See you tomorrow, on Monday, in a week or two. Sometimes the parting is longer. See you in a month, after the holidays, next year.

And sometimes the goodbye turns out to be the last.

This is where nostalgia comes in. We long for the brighter moments of the past, forgetting all the hardship that went with them. We look back and wish we’d done things differently. If only we’d seen, if only we’d known, if only we’d had the courage. If only.

But this is how we learn – through experience. We know now because we didn’t know then. This is how we grow, day by day. When you’re young, the years crawl by, and it seems like time will go on forever. It doesn’t, of course. Time catches up with every one of us.

My grandfather passed away when I was thirteen. It was the first death in the family I’d known. We weren’t close, and looking back, I don’t think it made the impression it could have. There were other factors there. I spent my teenage years feeling directionless, always waiting on an uncertain future. Looking back, I regret not pushing myself to do more, learn more, acquire more skills. I just didn’t have the vision, the drive. There was nothing to push myself towards. And there was still time, after all. I was still young.

I am still young. But not as young as I used to be. None of us are. At some point, the river bends. Situations change. Relationships, no matter how much you want them, don’t always work out. The people you care about aren’t always going to be there. This year my uncle passed away, and my mother just had major surgery.

My grandfather had cancer. My uncle had cancer. Today I found out my mother has cancer too.

I guess it runs in the family.

We act as though we still have time, and the future goes on and on and on. Time to waste on trivial things, and take for granted the people who really matter. We act as though we’ll live forever. Maybe that’s the real tragedy.

I’m realizing now that sometimes next time means never. If you want something, go after it. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: don’t take anything for granted. Life is shorter than we think. You don’t want to only appreciate what you had after it’s gone.

That said, maybe the end carries lessons you would never have learned otherwise. Maybe something wasn’t working, and it’s better that it ended before it got worse. Maybe it was time. Because what if the end really does lead to something better? Maybe saying goodbye leads to hello again.

But not always. What we’re all afraid of is a simple, painful truth.

Sometimes the end is just the end.

The Path That Can't Be Seen

'Sometimes life is hard, but sometimes we make it harder than it really is.'

When I was younger, I wanted to be the cool kid.

You know how it goes. Just like the hero of every teen movie ever made, I wanted to be that guy. The one who makes the best jokes, dates the cutest girls and has a brimming social life. The one who’s funny, confident and popular. I wanted to be the life of the party.

Because I wasn’t any of these things.

Instead I was awkward and insecure, uncomfortable in social settings. I was quiet. I stayed home a lot. I felt like I was missing out, that life was passing me by. I dreamed about being someone else.

That was then. Now I’m well into my twenties, and I’ve grown up a little. When I look back on my younger self, it’s with a mixture of curiosity and pity. Because I am more confident now. I’m funny, at least some of the time. I have a busier life, and more friends.

I still get awkward and insecure. But I’m also well-meaning and sincere. I’m still quiet, because I think deep thoughts. Sometimes I even write them down. I work entirely too slow because I want things done well. Social settings wear me out, but I’m fine talking all night with just one or two people. I read books, play games, drink too much milk tea. And I love cats, of all shapes and sizes.

I’m a work in progress. Aren’t we all? 

But I don’t want to be someone else anymore. I like who I am.

I’m never going to be the life of the party. And that’s okay.

Today I’m talking about expectations versus reality.

We all have our own beliefs about how life is supposed to go. They may have come from our parents, our upbringing, our religion, our peers. What we never had and wanted, or what we had and took for granted. Each of us views the world in our own unique way. It’s only natural. 

But sometimes those beliefs hold us back. We think that because we don’t live up to a certain standard, our lives are doomed to failure. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Let’s start with the demons.

In his excellent book, David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits and the Art of Battling Giants, Malcolm Gladwell discusses how the giants in our lives aren’t as overpowering as we assume. David and Goliath is held up as the original underdog story. But it doesn’t make sense. Goliath was bigger and stronger, true. But David was quick and had good aim. He used a sling and cracked Goliath’s skull. It’s the difference between a sword fight and shooting someone. Was it really so improbable that David won?

David was a shepherd boy, not a warrior. He didn’t live up to Goliath’s standard, and didn’t need to. He won because he fought on his own terms. He defied a demon.

What are your demons? 

What makes your heart pound, and your stomach clench, and your hands tremble? What makes you angry and bitter and sad and afraid? What are you running from, but can never escape? They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but what if it breaks you instead?

What makes you want to be someone else?

It’s hard to face these things. Trust me, I know. But for better or worse, our struggle makes us who we are. The demons in our lives can define us – or we can defy them. You might even find they’re not as overwhelming as they seem. 

I know it’s hard. But look your demons in the eye.

Be brave when you’re afraid.

Moving on. Adversity is just one area where we’re so often wrong. Another is romance.

For example, Disney.

Confused?

Don’t get me wrong. I like Disney. Who doesn’t have fond memories of their movies1 growing up? The magic and adventure, pathos and laughter. And the romance. Perfect guy meets perfect girl, they overcome their one great hardship, and once the credits roll, the young couple is off living their happily ever after.

Sorry to rain on your parade – but happily ever after doesn’t exist. 

Classic Disney is filled with heavily romanticized notions of true love conquering all, flawless figures, and princes coming to sweep the princesses off their feet. Impressionable children grow up thinking this is what love looks like. But it isn’t. 

Real love is messier, full of ups and downs, conflicts and misunderstandings, ever-shifting emotions. Passion fades and feelings change. Actually making it all last requires hard work and commitment. Relationships end when a couple gives up, thinking this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. 

But it is. It’s their idea of love which is wrong.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, pornography does something similar. It depicts a distorted, hypersexualized view of the world which isn’t real. Not to say Disney and Brazzers are on the same level, porn is far more damaging. But they both have the wrong effect on impressionable young minds.2 

To be fair, Disney is evolving with the times. In Frozen, the perfect guy is too good to be true, and familial love is just as important as romantic love. Inside Out has an insightful, bittersweet ending. Moana is (arguably) a princess adventure without any romance at all.

I know it’s not real, you say. But are you sure your beliefs about love are based in reality?

For example, not so long ago, I thought being in love meant feeling warm and fuzzy all the time. Um, no. I believed in love at first sight, not knowing that sometimes a spark needs time to grow. I had a narrow view of what made a woman attractive, only gradually realizing that there’s more than one kind of beauty.

Some are lucky enough to have parents or role models who demonstrate how loving someone really works. But a whole lot of us have to figure it out the hard way. Emotional boundaries, healthy communication, respect and compromise and sexual consent. This is what love is really about – not the idealized fantasy found in popular media. 

Relationships are never perfect. Accepting this is the key to making one work.

It’s understandable how we form these beliefs. We all want order, a sense of how the world works. And this leads to the greatest conflict of all.

Do you believe in destiny?

It’s the question that lies at the heart of faith. Is there a divine order? Are the stars aligned or set against us? Or is it all sheer happenstance, emergent history and culture and human nature interacting which creates the life we live today?

I don’t know. I doubt I ever will. In the end, it comes down to one’s beliefs. Those who believe in God will seek God. Those who believe in science will find facts. Those who believe in disorder will see chaos. Humanity has been asking these questions since the beginning of time.

There is one thing I know for certain: life rarely goes the way we expect.

The ideas you have about yourself will be wrong. You’ll face your fears and be forever changed. You’ll fall in love with someone you never saw coming. You’ll take paths you never imagined you’d take, and do things you never thought you’d have the strength to do. And you’ll learn that sometimes, the hardest part of all is letting go.

I don’t believe everything happens for a reason – but I do believe that there are reasons to be found in everything. It’s up to us to learn from the past, to find meaning in hardship, to strive to be better than before. To fight for what we want. 

And most importantly, to recognize when our prayers are answered in ways we could never have predicted. 

After all. The unseen path could actually lead to something better. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that life rarely goes the way we expect.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s a good thing.

1 Off the top of my head, my favorites were Tarzan, Atlantis: The Lost Empire, and more recently, Tangled. What. I liked the lantern scene.

2 Also check out the movie Don Jon for a closer look at porn addiction and unrealistic expectations.

Just One More Time

'The danger is in coming to love the prison.' 

- C.S. Lewis

I have a love-hate relationship with Hearthstone.

For the uninitiated, Hearthstone is a digital card game set in one of video gaming’s most colorful fantasy universes. The concept is one-on-one matches fought against real people via the miracle of the internet. It’s way more competitive than anything else I play.

And it’s a blast. You choose from one of nine different hero classes, each with their own unique cards and strategies. The Warlock utilizes a playing-with-hellfire approach, dealing in demonic forces that injure both you and your opponent. The Priest uses light magic to heal and strengthen your allies, even bringing them back from the dead. Others may favor the Warrior’s aggression, the Druid’s rapid growth, and so on.

The game doesn’t stagnate either. New expansions are continually released, adding everything from dinosaurs to gang warfare to Lovecraftian Old Gods. There’s always something new.

Sometimes I think Hearthstone is a bad influence on me. Being portable, it’s tempting to jump into a match whenever you have ten minutes to spare. But matches play out in real time, and cannot be paused.  If you’re interrupted, you’ll be forced to forfeit. Stick it out and you’ll often be defeated anyway. That’s just how the game works. There is always a winner and a loser.

And losing sucks.1

When I’m on a winning streak, I’m on top of the world. On a losing streak, I feel like throwing my phone against the wall. I get fed up, think that this time I’m never coming back, and uninstall.

But I do come back sooner or later, lured by new cards, stories and gameplay. Because it’s fun. I keep chasing the high, ignoring how it feels to crash.

Today I’m talking about addiction.

No, I’m not addicted to the game. Really. It’s addictive; there’s a fine line there and I haven’t quite crossed it. But it makes a good example. This is how addictions start. You begin with something pleasurable that becomes an obsession. Then a compulsion. The repercussions pile up, but you keep doing it. You can’t stop. You’re always chasing the high, even though the high is slowly ruining your life.

Addictions come in two different flavors. Substance addiction involves an actual drug or medication. Think cocaine, nicotine, alcohol. Behavioral addiction is dependence on a rewarding behavior. Sex, pornography, gambling, shopping, overeating, the internet, and, yes, video games. They sound different, but function the same way. Basically anything enjoyable can become all-consuming for the wrong person.

But why? What causes an addiction to develop?

All in Your Head

The number one factor in becoming addicted to something is whether or not you enjoy it.

I’ve mentioned before that I don’t really like drinking. It’s fun with the right company. Taken too far, though, my emotions spiral out of control. I get depressed. For me, getting drunk isn’t much of a high. I doubt I’m at risk of becoming an alcoholic. For people who love drinking, it’s a different story.

Whereas I do love video games2. Always have, ever since I was a kid. So yeah, I admit it. I’m at risk for those.

But here’s something counterintuitive: what you’re addicted to doesn’t always matter. What’s more important is that it fills a void.

The second factor is the inner emptiness.

I daresay we’ve all felt this at some time or another. The sense of being hollow, incomplete. Maybe you feel like you’re not smart enough, not popular, not successful. Maybe you’re lonely. Maybe you feel trapped in a life you never wanted. Whatever it is, you just want to forget for a while. So you find something that makes you feel better.

That’s how it starts.

Addictions aren’t just about the pursuit of pleasure. They’re also about escaping reality, running from problems instead of facing them. That never works. But we do it anyway. To treat an addiction, the underlying issues must also be addressed. Otherwise you end up right back where you started, chasing a high. If not the same high, then a different one.

But what’s really going on inside your head?

Your Brain on Everything

So here’s the deal. Our brains, efficient neural networks which they are, treat all pleasures the same way: by releasing a neurotransmitter called dopamine. The likelihood of any substance or behavior becoming addictive is directly linked to the speed, strength and reliability of that release. Whatever gives you a stronger, faster and more consistent high carries the greater risk.3

In nature, pleasure is tied to activities humans as a species need to survive. Say, eating, exercise and procreation: a filling meal, being fit enough to hunt down the next meal, finally getting that hot cavewoman. Our brains grant us pleasure as a reward. The actions we took to obtain the reward are then reinforced through memory and learning. Patterns are established, making us better equipped for our own survival.

Animal training works the same way. Using the lure of a reward – food, in this case – your faithful cat, dog or parrot learns a series of behaviors which gain them the reward. Eventually, through repetition, these behaviors become second nature.

This is what I do all day. I know what I’m talking about.

Addictive substances and behaviors are dangerous because they hijack the system, providing pleasure without the effort. Those substances and behaviors are reinforced as the quickest and most potent way to get the reward. Over time, the flood of dopamine overloads the brain’s reward circuitry, which produces less and less dopamine as a result. This is how tolerance develops. The addict now needs even more stimulation for an ever-decreasing high.

The brain can recover over time. But recovery means resisting not just the addiction, but also the cues that trigger it.

Changing Scenery

Back in the 1970s, the US government made an alarming discovery: a good 15% of American soldiers in Vietnam were addicted to heroin. Thus began the aptly named Operation Golden Flow. Soldiers had to pass a urine test before they were allowed on a plane home. Those who failed were stranded in Vietnam until a successful detox. Expectations were low. This was heroin, after all. One of the most addictive drugs around.

For those who passed, however, the recovery rate was startlingly high. 95% of former addicts gave up the drug and reintegrated into American society. They didn’t suffer through endless cycles of relapse and withdrawal. They didn’t need further therapy. They just stopped.  

It didn’t make sense. The prevailing wisdom of the time was that breaking an addiction was all about mental fortitude, the right mindset, the willpower to resist the urges. The focus was on the addicts themselves.

So why were soldiers in Vietnam so easily shaking off their addictions back in the States?

The environment had something to do with it.

In this context, our environment refers to our surroundings. The places, feelings and circumstances we deal with daily form the cues which trigger our addictions. Lying alone in bed at night. Feeling tired after work. Seeing an ashtray, a deck of cards, a computer. For an addict, once-harmless scenarios become stepping stones on their brain’s warped pathway to pleasure.

That’s the key. The veterans were cut off from their cues. This is the logic behind checking into rehab: removing yourself not just from the addictive substance or behavior, but also from the circumstances which lead to it.

All this is oversimplifying a complex problem. Addictions are a cocktail of genetic, psychological, biological and environmental factors. We’ve seen how they can be a coping mechanism, a brain disease, a behavioral disorder.

One thing’s for certain. Addictions are dangerous. You pretend you can stop any time you want to. But you never do.

Instead you’re always tired, your immune system is shot and you have no self-confidence because you’re at home jerking off to porn every night. Or your life becomes a haze of hangovers and blackout drinking, while your relationships crumble around you. Or you smoke three packs a week for twenty years, until one day you find out you’re dying of cancer.

Addictions rob you of the life you could have had. That’s something you can never get back.

Whatever your high is, make sure you know when enough is enough. Know when it’s time to stop. And be willing to reach out for help if you can’t.

Maybe I should give up on Hearthstone. Better sticking to RPGs. But it’s still really fun. And Death Knights look awesome.

Maybe just one more game. 

1 Sounds kind of like gambling, doesn’t it.

I should probably explain the difference between Ranked and Casual Play. Ranked is where the competition intensifies. Winning increases your rank and nets you greater rewards, while losing lowers it. Playing Casual, meanwhile, has less rewards, but losing only costs you your pride. Staying out of Ranked Play is probably best for players wanting to keep things fun and lighthearted.

2 Among other things. 

3 For a more in-depth look at how addictions alter our brain chemistry, have a look at HelpGuide.org.

4 Also check out this excellent TED talk for a wider view of the environment’s role, and addiction in general as a form of false bonding.

Book Review: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

I’ve mentioned before that I like Mark Manson.

A hugely successful blogger and author whose topics range from dating advice and travel anecdotes to psychological self-sabotage, his writing contains a common thread of self-improvement. Mark Manson wants you to be a better person – by accepting what makes you feel worse.

Think of self-help and odds are what you come up with is general optimism and upbeat advice. Think positive; focus on the good; align yourself with the universe, whatever that means. This, Manson argues, is stupid. Everyone gets stressed and depressed, and sometimes life just sucks. Forcing yourself to feel good is avoiding reality. The pursuit of happiness only reinforces that you are unhappy as you are. We rarely have a good idea of what makes us happy anyway.

In The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Manson explains that we are always, consciously or not, choosing where our focus and energies are directed; what, ahem, we are giving a fuck about. To be better people, that focus must be well-thought-out and intentional. Through entertaining examples and his own personal experience, he shows how faulty values and self-limiting beliefs blind us to what’s truly important.

That sounds bland, but trust me, it’s eye-opening. Funny too. He swears a lot.

‘People aren’t just born not giving a fuck. In fact, we’re born giving way too many fucks. Ever watch a kid cry his eyes out because his hat is the wrong shade of blue? Exactly. Fuck that kid.’

Sorry if you’re offended. I’m amused.

Admittedly, the book is aimed more towards Western society. The author, an American, rails against entitlement and first world problems. Having travelled extensively through over fifty countries worldwide, it’s clear that all those different cultures made an impact. He’s been critical of America (among other countries) in the past.  

Mark Manson’s irreverent, no-bullshit style isn’t for everyone. Go check out his blog to see if it’s for you. Also, a disclaimer: certain parts of the book are featured articles. A few chapters may sound familiar. But the book does present it all in a cohesive package.

The Subtle Art is an anti-self-help book. It doesn’t want you to feel good. It wants you to think about why you feel bad – and understand that feeling bad is a part of feeling good. Its counterintuitive notions make a lot of sense. The acceptance of a negative experience is a positive experience. Our circumstances aren’t always our fault, but they are always our responsibility. Our bleakest moments can also be the most transformational experiences of our lives.

Light and darkness. See why this book appeals to me?

I fully recommend it.

A Different Dawn

         If I lay here

                    If I just lay here                                  

                       Would you lie with me 

                                      And just forget the world?

                                                                    - 'Chasing Cars', Snow Patrol

Today I’m talking about endings.

We all have things we truly care about. Hopes, dreams, places, people. We look to them for comfort, reassurance, stability. For light, when all we can see is darkness. Is it any wonder that they come to mean so much?

That these are the people we love?

So we hold on to them, for as long as we possibly can. We hold on to hope. To the idea of them always in our lives. We want to believe in the stories we tell ourselves, about dragons slain and demons conquered. Because reality can be cruel.  Sometimes hope isn’t enough.

Sometimes dreams die.

Because that’s all they ever were. You wake up to a colder, clearer dawn. And you know things can never go back to the way they used to be.

But maybe they were never meant to be that way.

The author, Najwa Zebian, talks about building our homes in places not meant for us, in the hearts of others. When they leave we feel bereft because we built our lives around them. We need them like no one else. But in the end, the only people we truly have are ourselves.

The sun always rises. It’s the only thing we’re ever guaranteed. The world changes, people come and go, but the sun will always set on one day and rise on another. We can never go back, but we can move forwards. We can pursue new goals, new experiences, spend time on what really matters. We can build on what came before. We can find someone new. We can be our own light in the darkness.

As painful as they are, every ending is also a new beginning. Grieve for the end, but look for the dawn.

Even though you know a part of you will always remember the sunset.      

           

Dead Men Tell No Tales

No spoilers, impressions only.

Pirates of the Caribbean has been around for a while now.

The first movie, Curse of the Black Pearl, took the world by storm back in 2003. There was an ancient curse, undead pirates, swashbuckling action split between the tropics and the high seas, a pair of heroic young lovers-to-be. And it birthed one of Johnny Depp’s most famous roles: the iconic Captain Jack Sparrow.

The second and third films made an epic trilogy. The stand-alone fourth was less well-received. Now, a good six years later, the fifth instalment attempts to reinvigorate the franchise. Does it succeed?

Well, no. Not really.

It’s hard not to see Salazar’s Revenge – Dead Men Tell No Tales in North America – as a rehashing of old elements. Everything I said up top? It’s in there. Only now it all feels rather tired. Jack Sparrow used to be drunk but savvy, an unpredictable wild card. Now he’s just drunk. Mister Gibbs is still Jack’s loyal first mate, Pintel and Ragetti still the comic relief. Then there’s Barbossa. Villain, plot twist, reluctant ally, deuteragonist. Jack’s nemesis has played a lot of roles over a lot of movies. Maybe it’s the wig he’s wearing this time around, but Barbossa definitely feels old.

But let’s focus on the new faces. Salazar’s Revenge follows young Henry Turner on his quest to lift the curse of Davy Jones from his father, Will Turner. Not a spoiler, you find out within the first five minutes. Joining him is Carina Smyth, a headstrong young woman on a mission of her own. Their pairing is one of faith versus science. Henry lives and breathes myths and legends, Carina logic and rational pursuits. Henry is a generic nice guy. Carina’s condescending attitude gets old fast.

Maybe it’s just a coincidence after the last movie I saw, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 – which was excellent, I fully recommend that one. But I found it a little much that in this movie, both the hero and heroine have daddy issues.

They’re not bad, really. I just found it hard to care about them.

Captain Salazar and his merry band, on the other hand, are great. First there was Barbossa’s skeletal crew, then Davy Jones’s coral-encrusted monstrosities. This is the third set of undead pirates thus far. Yet their ghostly style feels fresh. Their ruined ship, the Silent Mary, is awesome. Salazar’s hair drifting without wind is a nice touch. The villains, at least, get points for originality.

They can’t carry the story by themselves, though.

This movie has pacing problems. The first act drags, the second fails to build momentum, and the third feels rushed as a result, as though we’ve stumbled into the climax. It was a fair ending. But despite the action, much of the first half left me bored.

The fifth instalment attempts to return to the series’ roots, while also carrying the story forwards. There are numerous throwbacks to the original trilogy. But it feels like the Pirates franchise is past its prime. Even the post-credits scene was more irritating than exciting. It’s only more of the same.

I hate to say it, but maybe it’s time the dead men stayed dead.

Salazar’s Revenge is a fair action/comedy. I’d still recommend it for pure entertainment value. Just don’t expect too much. I can’t see this being anyone’s movie of the year.