Not because of how long it took, time is still racing by like an X-Wing shooting for hyperspace. It’s because of the sheer volume of events that have happened. I’m not the same guy I was last December, that’s for sure. I’ve learned and grown. And a lot of what I’ve learned has to do with relationships. For better or worse, most of my year has revolved around one person.
1. Love is not what you expect.
This wasn’t my first relationship. But in hindsight, that first time wasn’t love at all. It was novelty and infatuation, and it was brief. This was the real thing. And it was not at all what I expected.
I’ve written about this before, but it deserves repeating: throw your expectations out the window. Back when I first met the girl I fell in love with, if you’d told me we would come all this way, I would have scoffed. Yet here we are. I wasn’t attracted at first because I had a shallow view of physical attraction. I know now that there’s more than one kind of beauty, beyond what society and the mass media would have us believe.
Besides, chemistry is only partly physical. It’s also about connection, being able to stay up talking for hours, to unveil your innermost secrets. Being vulnerable and honest with each other. It’s finding someone who reminds you of warmth.
And I spent a lot of time second-guessing all of this. Disney movies and the like have conditioned us to expect fireworks, a revelation, Cupid’s arrow hitting you right between the eyes. I didn’t get any of that. Mine was a quiet moment, a sense of acceptance. I thought, you know what? I’m not going to fight this anymore. This is it. This is how it feels to be in love.
2. Love requires balance.
So you found someone special. That’s great, you’ve gained something wonderful. Now what are you giving up in return?
Like everything in life, relationships are about give and take. We all have limited time, energy and attention, and devoting them to one thing means forgoing others. I gave mine willingly, barely noticing the cost. But there is a cost. Put in too little effort and the relationship withers, but put in too much and you burn yourself out. There has to be a balance.
This works both ways, remember. Appreciate what they’re giving you too. Sometimes you won’t know what they’re giving up to do so.
And that’s the point. You shouldn’t just be there for each other. Make time for family, friends, hobbies outside of work or school. Have time for yourself, to do what you want to do. Read books and pet cats and make art.
And sleep. I like my sleep.
3. Love is not perfect.
If you enter a relationship thinking it’ll be all sunshine and roses, well, I’ve got news for you.
Life and love are a series of ups and downs; you can’t have one without the other. Loving someone means loving all of them. Handling their quirks and insecurities, and the intricacies of their personality. Maybe she gets moody sometimes. Maybe he’s easily depressed. Maybe now and then you just get on each other’s nerves.
Relax. It’s normal. Everyone has flaws. It’s easy to wish for a shining ideal, a picture-perfect prince or princess. There’s just one problem: they don’t exist. In reality, people screw up and make mistakes. We get angry, frustrated and annoyed with one another. Anything else is a fantasy.
There was a point when I realized that I wouldn’t have it any other way. That her flaws were what made her real.
4. Communication is essential.
But you will have fights and misunderstandings. Too much is a bad sign, but a little is healthy. What matters is how we handle conflict.
Again, we’re only human. We misinterpret one another, take things personally or out of context. This is especially true when texting, which lacks the other person’s voice, expression and body language. Raising issues in a constructive way can be difficult. But jumping to conclusions about the other person’s behavior isn’t exactly helpful. Neither is letting problems fester until they burst like an angry pimple.
Talk to each other about the hard stuff. Be honest about your needs, and respectful of theirs. Opening up can be difficult, but you’ll be glad you did.
Vulnerability isn’t just the key to resolution. It’s the key to intimacy.
5. You’ll only learn by doing it.
Go on adventures. Talk to strangers. Kiss the girl.
No matter how much you read or watch or hear, you will never know what something is like until you do it yourself. This is because everyone’s perception is different, based on their own unique life experience and personality. Actually doing it also kills unrealistic expectations. Remember those? You don’t want those. Like it or not, this is the only way to learn.
For example. I used to suck at public speaking. Back in my first year on the job, I was once offered the chance to make an announcement to a large crowd, and turned it down because I had no idea how to do that.
This year I grew more confident. And you know how I got this way? By doing it, actually talking to people, day in, day out. My job hasn’t just given me confidence with animals, but also with people too. I still get nervous, and maybe I always will. But there’s something energizing about facing your fears.
So whatever you wish you could do, if you only had the nerve: go do it. You’ll be awkward and embarrassed, and then you’ll get better. I’m still not the best public speaker, but by now, I’m pretty sure I don’t suck.
6. Do it now.
Because we’re running out of time.
This year saw the first death in my immediate family since I was a kid, and a serious diagnosis not long after. It’s shaken me. We get caught up in our daily routines, deluding ourselves into thinking life can go on this way forever. Then the ending hits you, and everything falls apart.
It’s funny, really. There were so many things I took for granted before. Trips to the library with my mother, running errands and eating pizza together. Little things. I was always distracted, caught up in my own problems. Now I’d give a lot to see those days again. I don’t know if they’re ever coming back.
So appreciate what you have. Spend time with your family. Tell your parents you love them. Work on your passions. Take more risks. Quit that addiction. Eat healthier, get more exercise, get enough rest. Focus on improving yourself. Choose to be better. And if you’re not doing any of these things, start right fucking now.
Trust me when I say that years from now, you’re not going to care what other people thought or what excuses you’re making. You’ll only remember not doing it when you had the chance.
7. Being a man is about making your own decisions.
This one is aimed more towards the male persuasion, but it applies to both genders. Who’s making the choices in your life?
I’ve always been indecisive, shunting choices to someone else. What do I want? I don’t know, what do you want. I told myself I was being considerate of others. But I was really just being insecure. I wanted someone to tell me what to do. Looking back, this was probably a reaction to the uncertainty of my teenage years. But that was then, and this is now.
I never quite grasped that as a man, you’re expected to make decisions. You’re supposed to be comfortable taking the lead. I’d rarely been in a position to do so. This year I was – and I liked it. I felt more confident, like more of a man. It’s only now that I realize that’s how it’s supposed to be, that maturity is about taking responsibility. It’s about making your own decisions.
What? I didn’t have a lot of male role models growing up. So there.
8. It’s all connected.
So you’re not confident. You’ve got low self-esteem. You’re depressed, dissatisfied, paralyzed with fear. You don’t like yourself. I’ve been there; we’ve all been there. Now what are you doing about it?
As human beings, we have a bad habit of believing our actions (or inaction) are without consequence. Witness global warming, deforestation, the vast array of species heading for extinction. Witness addicts in denial, dreamers who sit around and let their dreams die. It’s not a problem, they say. I’ll do it tomorrow. Just one cigarette, just one drink. Just one night. It won’t hurt me. It doesn’t define me.
All lies.
Everything you do defines you. That finally hit home for me this year. I wish it had a long time ago.
One of the most powerful things I’ve learned from Mark Manson is that action inspires motivation. This is why something as simple as making your bed every morning is good for you; it sets a precedent. People wait to be inspired before they take action, and end up waiting forever. They hit rock bottom and only then have the motivation to change. Sometimes it’s too late then.
Our view of ourselves has to be holistic, because everything we do is a part of who we are. You can’t expect to feel good about yourself if all you ever do is eat junk and play video games. Control your vices; kill them if you have to. Be productive, and be creative. Live according to your values. Do things you can be proud of – and you will be.
9. You are your own worst enemy.
But I can’t, you say. I can’t do it. I’m not good enough. I don’t know enough. I’ll never make it.
Stop telling yourself these things. They only hold you back.
I used to do this far too often: I was my own worst enemy. I was afraid I wasn’t any good at things, so I would pick at my flaws like scabs, as though that would help them heal. I actually believed that was better than other people doing it to me, when they never did. So much pointless negativity.
Science has proven that positive thinking enhances creativity and problem-solving skills. It’s like sunlight in your head, illuminating previously unseen possibilities, making you open to trying new things. Negative thinking casts a shadow over everything, giving you tunnel vision, blotting out the answers.
Your level of skill at just about anything is like a tree. The sunlight gives it life, allowing new branches to sprout, new leaves to unfurl. The darkness chokes them before they even have a chance to grow. Which do you choose?
Don’t tell yourself you can’t do it. You can. You just have to believe you can first.
10. The greatest battle is between your head and your heart.
But sometimes you’ll be caught between two different possibilities. What do you do when you’re torn between what you know and how you feel?
Part of being an adult is realizing that sometimes there are no easy answers. Sometimes, you have to choose between two things you truly care about.
I’ve struggled with this for the last few months, and all I can tell you is: go with your gut. If you have a feeling deep down that one path is right, no matter how difficult, then there’s your answer. Doing the right thing is always better in the end. Though the hardest part is letting go of what could have been.
11. Love is not enough.
I spent a long time not wanting to believe this. Part of me still doesn’t. But it’s true: love is not enough.
You see, no matter how in love you are, you still have to figure out the future. Do your goals in life align? Can your relationship survive waiting to be together? If you’re apart, will you be able to bridge the distance?
Love warms you up on the inside, but it’s also an idea. And sometimes that idea doesn’t line up with reality. Sometimes the sacrifices needed to sustain it are too much. And that’s all right. It doesn’t mean what you had wasn’t real, only that it ran its course. Love hurts, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth hurting for.
Sometimes loving someone means letting them go.
12. You can’t rely on someone else to make you happy.
I used to have this idea that if I just had someone to love, I’d be happy. I know I’m not alone here. So many people are waiting for someone to come along and raise them up. I finally found someone, and now I know that this is wrong.
This is the most important thing I’ve learned this year. When you love someone, you want the best for them. You celebrate their strengths and accept their flaws. You want them to succeed, to achieve their goals. You want them to be the person they were always meant to be. You believe in them. And yes, you want them to be happy.
Now why aren’t you applying all that to yourself?
People aren’t medicine. Being in love is great, but it’s not going to magically solve all your problems. Heck, it’ll probably give you new ones. If you rely on someone else for your own happiness, you will always be disappointed, because they were never meant to fill that role. A lover can support you, comfort you, inspire you. But they can’t fix you.
It’s up to you to fix yourself. Only you can make yourself happy.
So build yourself up. Learn new skills and have new experiences. Make peace with your demons, create a life you love and be grateful for the life you already have. What are you waiting for?
2018, here we come.
No matter how much you read or watch or hear, you will never know what something is like until you do it yourself. This is because everyone’s perception is different, based on their own unique life experience and personality. Actually doing it also kills unrealistic expectations. Remember those? You don’t want those. Like it or not, this is the only way to learn.
For example. I used to suck at public speaking. Back in my first year on the job, I was once offered the chance to make an announcement to a large crowd, and turned it down because I had no idea how to do that.
This year I grew more confident. And you know how I got this way? By doing it, actually talking to people, day in, day out. My job hasn’t just given me confidence with animals, but also with people too. I still get nervous, and maybe I always will. But there’s something energizing about facing your fears.
So whatever you wish you could do, if you only had the nerve: go do it. You’ll be awkward and embarrassed, and then you’ll get better. I’m still not the best public speaker, but by now, I’m pretty sure I don’t suck.
6. Do it now.
Because we’re running out of time.
This year saw the first death in my immediate family since I was a kid, and a serious diagnosis not long after. It’s shaken me. We get caught up in our daily routines, deluding ourselves into thinking life can go on this way forever. Then the ending hits you, and everything falls apart.
It’s funny, really. There were so many things I took for granted before. Trips to the library with my mother, running errands and eating pizza together. Little things. I was always distracted, caught up in my own problems. Now I’d give a lot to see those days again. I don’t know if they’re ever coming back.
So appreciate what you have. Spend time with your family. Tell your parents you love them. Work on your passions. Take more risks. Quit that addiction. Eat healthier, get more exercise, get enough rest. Focus on improving yourself. Choose to be better. And if you’re not doing any of these things, start right fucking now.
Trust me when I say that years from now, you’re not going to care what other people thought or what excuses you’re making. You’ll only remember not doing it when you had the chance.
7. Being a man is about making your own decisions.
This one is aimed more towards the male persuasion, but it applies to both genders. Who’s making the choices in your life?
I’ve always been indecisive, shunting choices to someone else. What do I want? I don’t know, what do you want. I told myself I was being considerate of others. But I was really just being insecure. I wanted someone to tell me what to do. Looking back, this was probably a reaction to the uncertainty of my teenage years. But that was then, and this is now.
I never quite grasped that as a man, you’re expected to make decisions. You’re supposed to be comfortable taking the lead. I’d rarely been in a position to do so. This year I was – and I liked it. I felt more confident, like more of a man. It’s only now that I realize that’s how it’s supposed to be, that maturity is about taking responsibility. It’s about making your own decisions.
What? I didn’t have a lot of male role models growing up. So there.
8. It’s all connected.
So you’re not confident. You’ve got low self-esteem. You’re depressed, dissatisfied, paralyzed with fear. You don’t like yourself. I’ve been there; we’ve all been there. Now what are you doing about it?
As human beings, we have a bad habit of believing our actions (or inaction) are without consequence. Witness global warming, deforestation, the vast array of species heading for extinction. Witness addicts in denial, dreamers who sit around and let their dreams die. It’s not a problem, they say. I’ll do it tomorrow. Just one cigarette, just one drink. Just one night. It won’t hurt me. It doesn’t define me.
All lies.
Everything you do defines you. That finally hit home for me this year. I wish it had a long time ago.
One of the most powerful things I’ve learned from Mark Manson is that action inspires motivation. This is why something as simple as making your bed every morning is good for you; it sets a precedent. People wait to be inspired before they take action, and end up waiting forever. They hit rock bottom and only then have the motivation to change. Sometimes it’s too late then.
Our view of ourselves has to be holistic, because everything we do is a part of who we are. You can’t expect to feel good about yourself if all you ever do is eat junk and play video games. Control your vices; kill them if you have to. Be productive, and be creative. Live according to your values. Do things you can be proud of – and you will be.
9. You are your own worst enemy.
But I can’t, you say. I can’t do it. I’m not good enough. I don’t know enough. I’ll never make it.
Stop telling yourself these things. They only hold you back.
I used to do this far too often: I was my own worst enemy. I was afraid I wasn’t any good at things, so I would pick at my flaws like scabs, as though that would help them heal. I actually believed that was better than other people doing it to me, when they never did. So much pointless negativity.
Science has proven that positive thinking enhances creativity and problem-solving skills. It’s like sunlight in your head, illuminating previously unseen possibilities, making you open to trying new things. Negative thinking casts a shadow over everything, giving you tunnel vision, blotting out the answers.
Your level of skill at just about anything is like a tree. The sunlight gives it life, allowing new branches to sprout, new leaves to unfurl. The darkness chokes them before they even have a chance to grow. Which do you choose?
Don’t tell yourself you can’t do it. You can. You just have to believe you can first.
10. The greatest battle is between your head and your heart.
But sometimes you’ll be caught between two different possibilities. What do you do when you’re torn between what you know and how you feel?
Part of being an adult is realizing that sometimes there are no easy answers. Sometimes, you have to choose between two things you truly care about.
I’ve struggled with this for the last few months, and all I can tell you is: go with your gut. If you have a feeling deep down that one path is right, no matter how difficult, then there’s your answer. Doing the right thing is always better in the end. Though the hardest part is letting go of what could have been.
11. Love is not enough.
I spent a long time not wanting to believe this. Part of me still doesn’t. But it’s true: love is not enough.
You see, no matter how in love you are, you still have to figure out the future. Do your goals in life align? Can your relationship survive waiting to be together? If you’re apart, will you be able to bridge the distance?
Love warms you up on the inside, but it’s also an idea. And sometimes that idea doesn’t line up with reality. Sometimes the sacrifices needed to sustain it are too much. And that’s all right. It doesn’t mean what you had wasn’t real, only that it ran its course. Love hurts, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth hurting for.
Sometimes loving someone means letting them go.
12. You can’t rely on someone else to make you happy.
I used to have this idea that if I just had someone to love, I’d be happy. I know I’m not alone here. So many people are waiting for someone to come along and raise them up. I finally found someone, and now I know that this is wrong.
This is the most important thing I’ve learned this year. When you love someone, you want the best for them. You celebrate their strengths and accept their flaws. You want them to succeed, to achieve their goals. You want them to be the person they were always meant to be. You believe in them. And yes, you want them to be happy.
Now why aren’t you applying all that to yourself?
People aren’t medicine. Being in love is great, but it’s not going to magically solve all your problems. Heck, it’ll probably give you new ones. If you rely on someone else for your own happiness, you will always be disappointed, because they were never meant to fill that role. A lover can support you, comfort you, inspire you. But they can’t fix you.
It’s up to you to fix yourself. Only you can make yourself happy.
So build yourself up. Learn new skills and have new experiences. Make peace with your demons, create a life you love and be grateful for the life you already have. What are you waiting for?
2018, here we come.
Faith, hope, love. The greatest of these is LOVE ☺
ReplyDeleteHaha right? And thankfulness too. I'm glad it all happened, the good parts and the bad. I'd go back and do the same things all over again.
Delete