I'm That Old, Really?

So here we are.

I turned 25 today. 

It's hard to articulate everything I feel about that. But I'll try.

I've talked about the vagaries of memory before. The defining moments of my childhood burn as bright as ever. But there's an increasing sense of unreality. I look back and think, was I really that - that - 

*pauses to find the right word*

Innocent. Could I have ever been so innocent?

And of course, the answer is yes. I was. We all were, at some point or other. But the moments keep coming. All through adolescence and burgeoning adulthood, billions of turning points, pinpoints of joy and sadness, anger and fear, chances seized and others lost. It goes on and on. We can only look back to the early days and wonder, what the hell happened?

And the answer is - 

Well, what else could I say?

We grew up.

Funny, then, how I don't feel like a grown-up. Does anyone? 

I really just feel like me. Not so different from the me I was last year, or the year before that. Just with more experience. Twenty-five years' worth, today.

It's hard to say what all that experience adds up to. If only I could extract the sum of all my lessons learned, and shape it into a little ball of wisdom to be tossed at whoever needs it. Here, catch.

There's any number of things it would contain. Life won't always be how you expect it to be. Sometimes you get what you want and find you never really wanted it. Every failure has something to teach you. 

I could go on there - but I don't want to. Not today.

It's tempting to dwell on the past, to relive the good parts and condemn the bad. You can just as easily get caught up in the future, basking in the glow of a golden Tomorrow. Both have their merits, don't get me wrong. But at some point, you have to realize that there is only ever now. I think that might be the most important lesson of all.

What? You ask. That's it? Twenty-five years and that's the best you've got?

Pretty much. Doesn't seem like a lot, does it. 

But the small things matter. Seconds are small things, and if you add up enough of those they become your entire life.

Okay, okay, that's based on a Wheel of Time quote. I couldn't resist.

But see what I mean? My life, and your life, and all of our lives only ever happen right now - in the moment. See the moment? Too late! It's gone. Here's another. 

And another, and another, and another.

All our lives are a chain of moments. We look ahead to the links not made and back to the ones that came before. 

But right now is when we live.

So I guess the most important thing I've learned is to treasure these moments. They won't always seem like much. But they move so fast, one after the other, until suddenly years have gone by. 

Someday I'll look back at myself now and be amazed that I don't know what I will then. Those moments haven't come yet. They're on their way. Some have passed in the time it's taken you to read this.

I wouldn't worry about it too much, though. You'll still be you, and I'll still be me.

*smiles*

Just with more experience.