Love a Little Further Down the Line

 Where do I begin?

It’s been a while since I did this. A few years have passed. I’m older now, and wiser too, I hope. But maybe I’m just more experienced, which isn’t always the same thing.

Today I’m talking about relationships.

Right, so. The last time I delved into this subject it was, by and large, from the perspective of a newbie. Now that I’ve known the person that I’m with for quite a while – five years and counting! – the vibe feels different.

Disney classics, romance novels, rom-coms. They all tend to focus on the same story: the early days. The passion, the tension, the highs and lows of a budding relationship. The emotions, baby. It’s something I was less aware of before, being caught up in them myself. But now it stands out like a sore thumb. In many ways, my relationship isn’t like that anymore. We’ve passed that stage. Now we’ve entered the phase of the familiar.

By which I mean: sometimes we really get on each other’s nerves.

There’s an innate novelty and joy in discovering another person. Learning about their likes and dislikes, their hopes and dreams, issues and anxieties. And after a while, you become used to each other. The passion fades. The bickering grows. You start wondering whether love can last.

It can, obviously. The catch is that love changes. We tend to associate love with the heady days of the honeymoon phase. But I’m starting to see that real love, the kind that lasts, is intentional.

Because sometimes you’re going to ask yourself: is this what love is supposed to feel like? Frustration with all the little quirks you once found endearing? Wondering why something that’s so easy for you is so hard for them, and vice versa? Saying stupid things in the heat of an argument and regretting them afterwards? Are you supposed to keep holding on to something that hurts?

In short, yes. Sometimes love is going to hurt.

And how you deal with that will make or break the relationship. Are you going to work on understanding each other’s differences? Admit that you were wrong and resolve to do better? Accept that there’s bound to be friction sometimes and a little conflict is healthy? Are you going to stick around when the going gets tough?

Or are you going to walk away?

Because that’s a valid option too.

Well, it is. My parents got divorced when I was six. Some of my earliest memories are of the two of them fighting. I’d be lying if I said that hasn’t influenced my outlook on life. If all your fights devolve into screaming matches; if talking to them feels like running into a brick wall; if your partner is gaslighting you, controlling you, being physically or emotionally abusive. These are all reasons to get the hell out.

But it could also be that you’ve outgrown each other. All relationships begin at a certain point in our lives and progress from there. If you’re lucky, the person you fall in love with will be someone you can build a future with. But if not – If the two of you are heading in different directions mentally, spiritually, or you know, geographically – it could be that holding on is worse than letting go.

Whichever path you take, there are consequences. This is what love comes down to, in the end: a choice.

We can’t have it all. Every decision means not doing something else. Or someone else. That’s what commitment is. You are choosing this person, the love of your life, your partner in crime, the future parent of your children, above all others. All I can say is to make sure you’re making the choice that’s right for you. Not anyone else. Not even your partner. If you genuinely want to be with this person, that’s great! If not, go do them a favour and leave.

Because life is really, really short. Next year I’ll be the same age my mom was when she got married. That’s crazy to me. If I live as long as she did, that means that nearly half my life is over. If I live until ninety, I’ve got another two-thirds. Or who knows, I could be hit by a bus next Tuesday.

However long we have on this earth, we have to make our own choices. Will the rest of our lives be worth living if we don’t?

So I guess this is a call to commitment. To your significant other, and to your future self, the person you’ll be a little further down the line. Invest in what you want to last. Put in the work to sustain the relationship. Love your partner by being a better partner.

As they say, actions speak louder than words. It’s not enough to say you love them. You’ve got to show them, too.