"Remember that darkness lurks in every heart."
Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep
I already have a completely different post in the making. This was written in, shall we say, the shadow of the moment. But after some thought I figured, what the hell. Maybe I should show this side of myself as well.
***
Normally I succeed. And no matter how I feel, I know that I'm a lot better off than I was a few years ago. It's just that how I feel tends to follow a certain pattern.
It's funny, really. I love my job, don't think I don't. But I always look forward to the holidays. Who doesn't? You have these golden visions of days spent relaxing, working on personal projects, whatever you want.
And then the holiday arrives - and I get depressed.
I mean, it doesn't happen every time. But it's happened often enough to connect the dots.
When I'm at work, I'm confident. I'm in a setting where I have knowledge, experience, even a little authority. I know I'm doing something worthwhile. Much of my social life revolves around it. I go home and spend the night alone, and that's okay, because after a long day, more often than not I want to be alone to recharge for the next.
But with too much time to myself, the confidence fades away. I start feeling the same things I felt before I started working. I wonder where my life is going. I think about all the things I haven't done, and still can't do. I have this terrible fear that there is no better tomorrow. That this is the best it's going to get.
I wonder if there's even any point in writing this.
That scares me.
Remember how, in the third Harry Potter book, Harry has to face a creature that morphs into one's worst fear? His is a Dementor, a hooded spectre that kills by draining you of all happiness, leaving only despair. A dark fear indeed. But one that is noted as quite wise. His greatest fear is fear itself.
I suspect my greatest fear would be...well...me.
Myself as I am now. On the dark side.
Anyone is capable of anything. I hold this to be an absolute truth. We don't do things because, for whatever reason, we choose not to. And our choices are largely determined by our mental state.
This is why I'm wary of drinking. I've seen firsthand how people can change when inhibitions fade - in others and myself. When I drink, I tend to get depressed. I've said and done things that I deeply regret.
Our choices make us who we are. It's in moments like these that I fear choosing wrong. Someday I could decide to just give up on the world. That frightens one part of me. Another part doesn't care at all.
It's a good thing there's a third part. The one that ignores feelings and enforces logic. It reminds me that this is all part of the pattern. That we have felt this way many, many times before.
And it always gets better. I actually don't believe that right now, but I can't deny the evidence. The dark side never wins.
If only we could stop it coming back.
I picture depression as a black hole within yourself, devouring even the smallest sparks of light. Your viewpoint narrows; colours fade. The things that make you happy don't anymore. It seems like all the world's turned to grey.
For anyone who says you just need to think happy thoughts, let me be perfectly clear: that bullshit doesn't work. You know what happens to light in a black hole? No? You know why?
You stop seeing it.
I'm pushing the metaphor here, but recognize that that black hole has swallowed you. You need to free yourself first. You need catharsis. Talk to someone, clean your house, compose a song or paint a picture.
You could even write about it.
Before long, life will turn bright again.
It will come back, of course. Darkness always finds a way.
But so will you.
***
You could also check out Tiny Buddha. They help too.
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