Five Ways to Know You’re Growing Up

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.

- Leo Tolstoy

If you could travel back ten years into the past and meet your younger self, what would you tell them?

Time has a funny way of speeding up as we get older. When we’re young the years crawl like the infants we are, in terms of experience. They start picking up speed as we enter adolescence; time learns to walk. By our twenties, the years are taking long, manly (or womanly) strides into adulthood. We look back in vain at childhoods tinted with nostalgia; we see children shooting up like bean sprouts. They grow up so fast! We exclaim. And to our eyes, they do. It didn’t feel that way when we were young, though.

Time has a way of changing things.

There are some lessons you can only learn with perspective. Success comes from failure, wisdom from ignorance. You have to do the wrong thing – sometimes for years – before you can understand what’s right. Last year was all about epiphanies. I learned and grew a lot.

So far, this year seems to be about putting those lessons into practice. To quote Bruce Lee, knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do. We all start out as children in life, innocent and unschooled, tripping up and making mistakes that will later define us. We’re all young and stupid sometimes – until we learn.

Today I’m talking about five ways to know you’re growing up.

1. Becoming self-aware.

I suppose the simplest way to define this is being aware of your own bullshit.

All right, all right. The less pithy definition is knowing who you are as a person. Not just your likes and dislikes, but your knee-jerk reactions and emotional tendencies. Self-awareness is the capacity to look at yourself from the outside, flaws and all. To examine yourself from all angles. Invoking David Foster Wallace, to recognize the currents and eddies and blackest depths in our minds and know that this is water.1

Easier said than done. Our upbringing, our environment, our egos; all of these contribute to the way we see ourselves. All of these blur the face in the mirror, forming a mask that doesn’t always match reality. There’s a reason so many coming-of-age stories talk about ‘finding ourselves’. It’s because figuring this stuff out doesn’t just happen. It takes experience and effort. Often to discover who we are, we must first figure out who we’re not.

2. Learning the patterns of the past.

The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again, but expecting different results. I guess we’re all crazy, then.

One of the most crucial forms of self-awareness is examining the patterns in our lives. What have we been doing over and over, forever disappointed with the results, yet still expecting different outcomes? What are we constantly making excuses for? What do we secretly desire, but never seriously attempt?

What are we afraid to change?

A couple months ago, I got off Instagram. It was getting too addictive. But then I started spending too much time in internet forums on Reddit. I cut down on that, only to spend hours reading articles on Quora. A couple weeks ago, a personal problem was bothering me. I had some time off work, so I read a 500-page novel in two days. Because I could.

Do you see the pattern yet?

Books, television, video games, the internet.2 I’ve always been someone who’s found solace in his own mind, in ideas and stories and fantasies. But this can be taken to extremes. Far too often, I dive into other worlds to escape my own. One of the great truths of life is that avoiding your problems is easier than facing them. In today’s world of likes, virtual playgrounds and constant connectivity, where avoidance is as easy as pulling out your phone, this is more important to recognize than ever.

Because while we’re caught up in the same patterns, it is frighteningly easy for life to pass us by. Without even realizing it, we cage ourselves in comfort. You don’t want to look back one day and see that the door was always open.

We just need to have the courage to step outside. The courage to tell yourself, no more.

3. Gaining self-discipline.

The Stanford Marshmallow Experiment is a famous study on self-control. Back in the 60s, researchers gave children a choice between eating a marshmallow now, or getting two after a certain period of time. They then observed as their subjects grew into adults. The findings were clear: children who could resist temptation got better grades, ate better, behaved better, and were generally more successful.3

This makes sense. Quitting an addiction; studying longer; working on that personal project you keep putting off. These require persistence and consistency. They require discipline.

Mine is lopsided, you might say. I do well at upholding external obligations. For the sake of others, I have discipline. But when it comes to myself, I fall short. And that’s a problem. Because I’ve slowly come to see the value of self-control.

Like Steve Jobs said, we can only do a few things in our lives. (Yeah, I’ve got quotes for everything.) We only have so much time. And the difference between wasting that time on pleasant distractions and working towards your goals isn’t inspiration, because you won’t always be inspired. It’s not motivation, because you definitely won’t always be motivated.

It’s discipline. Making the effort, over and over, even when you don’t feel like it. This stuff isn’t cool or sexy or what have you. It takes courage. It takes dedication. And most of all, it takes the ability to manage yourself effectively. That, more than anything else, is the difference between success and failure.

The idea here isn’t just to break unhealthy patterns, but to build better ones.

4. Acquiring healthier habits.

How hard is it for you to brush your teeth?

Do you need to talk yourself into it every night? Lecture yourself about the benefits of dental hygiene, along with horror stories about gum infections and rotted teeth?

Of course not. Who does that? If you’re anything like me, you brush your teeth and barely even think about it. You don’t need to think about it. It’s a habit.

Good habits are the patterns in our lives done right. (And vice versa.) Although we perceive everything we do as consciously controlled, the reality is that our brains conserve processing power for important decisions. Everything else runs on autopilot. And that’s important. We think new behaviours will require major effort. And they will, until they become normal. Then you’ll barely even think about them. Acquiring better habits will literally change your life. 

But they’ll do it one step at a time. 

A common flaw in our efforts is thinking that change must be all or nothing. If we fail once, or twice, even a dozen times, we’re doomed. This is absolutely false. Personal growth is a process. We take a step every day. Maybe we sometimes take one or two back. But we learn from our mistakes, and keep moving forwards. And one day, we’ll look back and be amazed at how far we’ve come.

We just have to want to change in the first place.

5. Understanding that change comes from within.

The last great truth I’ve realized is that you can’t force someone to change. People have different levels of perception, different forms of life experience. We can argue and advise all we want, but you can’t batter someone into believing. It doesn’t work like that. True growth comes from within.

You see, the key to change lies in the concept of identity. We subconsciously cling to whatever we feel is a part of ourselves. A part of who we are. This is why guilt- and punishment-based approaches are so ineffective. By driving home that we are guilty of something, we actually reinforce it, and ensure that whatever it is remains as part of our psyche. The key is to forgive ourselves, and move on.

If you want to quit smoking, you can’t think of yourself as struggling against the urge to smoke. You have to tell yourself that you don’t do that anymore. You have to tell yourself, I am not a smoker.

Because the work of becoming better is just that: work. It takes a thousand tiny choices, day after day, to let go of what holds you back. Sometimes we choose not to. We’re only human. We lie, we cheat, we take the easy way out. We think we can get away with it – until we learn otherwise.

So the best advice I can give is don’t change. Be like Peter Pan; stay young forever. Keep doing the same things, day in, day out, until they make you sick. Until you think, there must be a better way. Until you hit rock bottom. That’s where the true, innermost desire to change is born.

That’s when you start growing up.

***

If I could say one thing to my younger self, it would be to trust the journey. Appreciate where you are in life. You’ll screw up, make mistakes, go through all kinds of angst and pain and anxiety. There’ll be good times too, shining moments that will make it all worthwhile.

And someday you’ll be a little older, a little wiser. You’ll look back and know all of this brought you closer to the man, or woman, that you were always meant to be. 

You just have to take it one day at a time.



1 I dedicated another post to this article alone. It’s an outstanding examination of self-awareness from an author who died too soon. If you haven’t already, go read it.

2 This is all on one device, remember. So convenient.

3 Interestingly, researchers at the University of Rochester later repeated the experiment, but with a twist. The researcher who gave out marshmallows acted either trustworthy or unreliable. The number of children who held out for the second marshmallow rose and fell accordingly. This suggests that it’s not a matter of nature, but of nurture. The reliability of a child’s experiences will help determine whether they have faith in future outcomes, or choose to seize what they can while they have the chance.

Crucially, it also means that self-discipline can be taught.

Why I Stopped Using Instagram (And Feel Better Than Ever)

I am a creature of habit. 

We all are. Our habits define us. This person wakes up at dawn. That one swims laps every week. This guy blogs in his spare time. There’s a reason The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is one of the most famous self-improvement books ever. More and more, I’m realizing how small, consistent behaviours build up, until they become a part of us.

That isn’t always a good thing.

This person never speaks up. That one is always negative. This man avoids responsibility. That woman drinks too much, this guy burns all his money on useless junk, that kid is jerking off to porn.

I’ve talked about addictions before. I won’t bother going over the same ground here, but in essence, an addiction is a bad habit that spiralled out of control. Instead of facing our problems, we run from them, trying to escape into fast food and fantasies and anything that can light us up with another hit of dopamine – if only for the moment.

And the next moment, and the next moment, and the next. We become like dogs trying to catch their own tails, always chasing the high. Stuck in place instead of moving forwards.

Screw that. Life is short and we’re all going to die. This year, I want to become a better person. To achieve my goals and improve myself – not waste my time on things I thought I needed.

This year I’m quitting my addictions.

Today I’m talking about getting off my damn phone. 

Image credit: Engadget

One of my favorite writers, Mark Manson, recently talked about how smartphones have become the new cigarettes. They’re ubiquitous, firmly entrenched in today’s culture – you don’t have a phone? – and as is becoming increasingly clear, are bad for us in excess. It’s not our lungs being corroded, but our attention.

Technologically, we are more connected today than ever before. The internet is literally in the palm of your hand. We have endless information and entertainments available at the tap of a screen. Google, iFlix, YouTube, social media. Likes, comments, cat videos. Novelty and instant gratification. It’s a steady stream of randomized rewards that keeps us coming back for more.

The price of this is that we are permanently distracted. We can’t sit through a movie, a workout, a traffic light without pulling out our phones. I know I couldn’t. Some of that screen time was spent reading genuinely good content, but way too much of it was on social media. I never got into Facebook (probably a good thing). But for the last year or two, I’ve spent a fair part of each day posting pictures, statuses, and browsing quotes and memes on Instagram. A week ago, I got fed up and finally deleted it.

Two things happened. Number one, I panicked. It felt like I was giving up something precious, critically important. Something I needed. This is, sadly, one of the hallmarks of addiction.

For the first few days, I caught myself picking up my phone, staring at the empty space where the app used to be, and then putting it down. How often do we do this during the day without even thinking about it? Every free minute turns into a reward-seeking behaviour. It’s a sobering reminder of our animal instincts. Humans can be trained too.

And number two, I began to feel free.

Suddenly, I was more focused at work. I had more time to read, to ponder things, more time to play games. More time to write. I found myself becoming more aware of my surroundings. I was less caught up in taking perfect pictures. A drain on my attention had been removed – and my own attention-seeking behaviour reduced accordingly.

I still feel a pang at cutting myself off this way. But at the same time, I realize that I don’t need to be vicariously involved in other people’s lives. And vice versa. There are better ways to spend my time. Who else has told themselves they were only going to scroll for five minutes, and then lost half an hour or more? Do you need that kind of time-sink in your life? 

Because we don't. We want it; the likes, the upvotes, the notifications. We want the external validation, fame and the approval of others. But want and need are two different things.

Of course, it’s not just social media.

The internet has connected us like never before. But it’s also opened a Pandora’s Box of entertaining distractions, to say nothing of the effects on outrage and extremism. Humanity is still learning how to cope. I know I am. 

I also know that we only get one life, and one world that matters. The real world. Not one seen through a screen. So how about looking up from yours?

I’m about to do just that.

What I Learned From Getting New Glasses

My eyesight sucks.

No really, it’s bad. Holding-stuff-in-front-of-your-face-to-read-it bad. I have severe myopia (nearsightedness), a fact I cheerfully ignore. Because for most of my life, I’ve worn glasses.

While genetics do play a role, myopia cases have skyrocketed over the last century as a result of modern lifestyles. Your eyes are malleable, and meant to focus both near and far. With an excess of strain on the eyes – e.g., focusing too much on near objects – your eyes become stuck, losing their ability to focus at a distance. Too much reading or screen time, not enough sleep, working in poor light: all of these are detrimental to visual health.

You know the cliché about smart kids wearing glasses? Yeah. There’s a reason for that: they’re always reading. The idea has become ingrained in popular culture. Glasses are considered a sign of intelligence.

But glasses do not fix your poor eyesight. They ameliorate it. The lens is a filter applied to help your eyes do what they should be able to do naturally. Hence the term ‘corrective lenses’. They correct the problem. They don’t cure it.

Many people maintain that myopia can be cured. Through a regimen of eye exercises, vitamin supplements and reducing near-point stress, your nearsightedness can be reversed. The eye can be restored to its natural state. There are a number of success stories on the internet – with the caveat that you should wear your glasses as little as possible. It makes sense. You’d never heal an atrophied leg by relying on a crutch.

It’s just not always practical.

I dabbled in the exercises as a teen. Heck, I should still do them today. But the evidence for better vision is anecdotal. Although I’m always reading and staring at screens, for me, at least in part, it probably is genetic. Both my parents wear glasses. My mother’s eyesight is as bad as mine. And, well, I can’t be walking around bumping into walls. I need to see.

It’s not progressing, either. Myopia usually stabilizes around one’s teens or early twenties, which is what happened for me. It’s been the better part of a decade since I needed stronger lenses. While they can be inconvenient at times, I don’t have a problem wearing glasses.

Maybe someday I’ll try contacts.

Anyway. Today I’ve got a story to tell, about how we see the world.

I just bought a new pair of glasses. They cost an arm and a leg, but my last pair was from 2015. One hinge had snapped recently, and rust was starting to form. They’d served me well. It was time for a change. In particular, the old lenses were scratched and yellowed. Not that big a deal, I thought. The view was a little blurry, perhaps. I was more worried about the frame falling apart.

When I first put on my new pair, though, I was stunned. Everything was so clear. Colors were brighter, sharper. It was a whole new window on the world.

The old pair was scratched and faded, but I wore them every day. My mind had adjusted itself to the blurriness. It seemed normal. Now if I wear them, it’s like looking through a yellow fog.

That’s a good analogy for our beliefs and prejudices, don’t you think? We live in certain conditions and think it’s normal. Only with hindsight and perspective can we look back and realize that the way we saw things was in fact skewed, shaped by the environment we were living in at the time.

Life is a succession of changes. Births, deaths, love and loss, new careers, different countries. Our environment is constantly growing, evolving. Sometimes the old ways of thinking no longer apply.

And sometimes we choose to change, by actively seeking out new experiences. Taking responsibility for yourself is frightening, but also liberating. We can’t help how we see the world, but we can choose what to do with what we’re seeing.

We can choose a different view. One that embodies who we are today, not who we used to be. 

And hopefully, the world will become just a little bit clearer. 

The Magic of Making Things – Three Stories of Successful Creativity

It’s the start of a new year, that wonderful time when people set well-meaning resolutions and then drop them like rocks, narrowly missing their toes.

Looking back, most of my goals from last year remain the same. They’ve simply morphed into new forms. Ninety days is too small, a comma in life. This year I’m setting a period. I’m not just aiming to save money now, but to better manage my finances. I’m giving myself a daily budget, not to be exceeded without good reason. And I have to figure out how to be more disciplined with my time, because I’m still one of those people who are five minutes late for everything. 

Last year wasn’t wasted. Far from it. I learned some important lessons, and I realize that now I’m looking at not just goals, but processes. I’m trying to change myself. This year I want to take more interest in my surroundings. To practice mindfulness and meditation. And to nurture my creative side, which is what this post is all about.

Last year I started coloring again. I wanted to get back to my roots, so to speak. I also had the vague idea that I would learn something about discipline and seeing projects through to the end. And I did. I learned I was missing the point.

Discipline is key, don’t get me wrong. But creative pursuits are so much more than a series of tasks. Creativity is about finding the spark that lights your soul on fire. To quote Bohemian Rhapsody: open your eyes, look up to the sky, and see. The world isn’t all black and white and shades of grey.

Life is meant to be filled with colour.

Today I’m talking about the magic of making things. 

 Because it’s about time I sat down and wrote my damn story.

It’s been more than two years now since I first conceived of Wraithblade. Ever since, I’ve worked on it in fits and starts, never getting very far. Recently I’ve been thinking about the creators of the books and games and series I love. What are they doing? What am I not doing? How can I take last year’s lessons and apply them to my writing?

I came to three conclusions.

1. I need to work harder.

To make anything of quality, one thing is clear: you have to put in an astonishing amount of work.

The manga artist behind Full Metal Alchemist, Hiromu Arakawa, grew up in a farming community. At an early age, she learned the value of hard work, balancing farm chores, drawing and art classes for years before finally moving to Tokyo to pursue her dreams of a career as a mangaka.

Although I never read the manga, Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood was the best anime I’d ever seen. Two brothers, one with a mechanical arm and leg, the other a soul bound to a suit of armor, embark on a journey to regain their former selves. It’s a tale of war, loss, conspiracy and mortality amid a steampunk world inspired by Europe in the early 20th century, where guns, trains, robotic limbs and alchemical powers exist side by side.

Image credit: Inverse

It was the story that inspired Wraithblade. 

That idea of a duo scarred by the supernatural stuck with me. I imagined a boy with ghostlike powers, and a floating, skeletal spectre who was once a girl. Because I always wondered. What if the Elric brothers really had brought their mother back from the dead?

This is the beauty of creative work: it inspires others. But creativity is nothing without commitment. The flat truth is that I’m just not writing enough. Arakawa-san’s work ethic is inspiring – apparently she was once back at work a few days after giving birth. Intimidating, but inspiring. She drew up a brilliant story. I need to work harder on my own.

2. I need to focus.

I’ve been playing a mobile game called Crashlands.

You play as Flux Dabes, an intergalactic courier whose ship is shot down over an unexplored planet. Together with her robot sidekick, you must forage for materials, battle alien wildlife, build new equipment and help out the locals in order to survive, thrive and get those shipments back on track. It’s a sprawling adventure with hilarious dialogue, equal parts crafting and action-RPG. It even won a few Game of the Year awards back in 2016. 

Who, me?

What inspired me about the game, though, was the story behind it.

Crashlands was the work of three brothers. The Costers were young, independent game developers who made fun-but-forgettable mobile games. They’d just started turning a profit when disaster struck. Sam Coster was diagnosed with cancer, non-Hodkin’s Lymphoma, stage 4b. He was twenty-three.

It changed things. Their latest project was now unfulfilling. After the diagnosis, Sam told his brother, “I don’t want this to be the last game I make before I die.”

In contrast to their earlier titles, Crashlands was a vast undertaking, an entire world inspired by the likes of Pokémon and Diablo. This wasn’t about building a platform or making money. It was about making something that mattered. A triumph of creativity and imagination. And so despite the rigors of chemotherapy, from his hospital bed, Sam would fire up his laptop to write and draw. The game is noticeably upbeat, filled with silly jokes and nonsensical scenarios. This is escapism as it’s meant to be: an escape from a much darker reality.

I’ve already had a taste of how death clarifies things. You see what really matters. The second flat truth is that I’m too distracted. Social media, video games, and even blogging are all activities that have to take a backseat to what I want to accomplish. I have to be focused. Who’s to say how long I’ll have the chance.

Sam Coster made a game while battling cancer. What’s my excuse?

3. I need to believe in magic.

I've just finished Oathbringer, third book in the Stormlight Archive. The saga of the Knights Radiant is excellent, full of unexpected twists, complex characters and subverted fantasy tropes, with plenty of real world issues on display. The world of Roshar is wonderfully alien, full of imaginative flora and fauna.

Shallan in Words of Radiance.

Have you heard of Brandon Sanderson? I’m sure I’ve mentioned him a few dozen times.

This level of skill doesn’t blossom overnight. In his twenties, Sanderson took a job as a night clerk just so he’d have time to write. He spent years churning out mediocre books before finally getting published. It was finishing the Wheel of Time that propelled him to stardom, but since then he’s proven himself a master in his own right. He teaches creative writing at Brigham Young University.

Clearly, he has focus and commitment. And something else, a third, crucial element that all of the best creators share. What drives someone to make that kind of effort in the first place?

They believe in what they’re doing.

A major aspect of Stormlight is the concept of spren. Obviously inspired by faeries, spren embody elements, emotions and ideals. Windspren are tiny silver figures flying on the breeze. Gloryspren are golden orbs that shoot up around a person who has accomplished something. Painspren are disembodied hands crawling around a wound. There are dozens of species, of varied power and intelligence, many as ubiquitous as insects.

Among them are the creationspren: glowing spren which only appear for a skilled act of creation, like drawing or carpentry. The characters take them for granted, but the idea spoke to me. A magical embodiment of creation.

Because you see, I lost the magic.

I remember thinking of drawing as drudgery, hours of effort for a single picture. I realize now that I viewed my story in much the same way – too much work for a limited payoff. It wasn’t being lazy per se. I just didn’t see the point. I admired others’ artwork, got lost in their fantasy worlds. Yet I stopped believing in my own. Somewhere in my daily routines and distractions, the magic slipped away.

If you don’t take joy in what you do, then why are you doing it? If you can’t find pride and purpose in your actions, what’s the point?

Where’s the color in your life?

I realize now that dreams don’t die of failure. They die from a lack of faith. We get tired, distracted, caught up in worldly struggles. And so the magic is lost. We stop believing in dreams. We forget why we ever believed in the first place, resigning ourselves to a mundane reality. So long, the end.

How many of our younger selves would be proud of the people we’ve grown up to be?

I think the most inspiring thing I can tell you is that we can get the magic back. I have. I found it in artwork. Now I hope to find it in my story too.

At the very least, I know the magic is out there. And that’s a start.

***

I’ve always loved magic. Seeing the extraordinary in ordinary things, finding the light in the darkness. I’ve always wanted to share that with others. Imagination and inspiration, the two focal points of my highly eclectic blog.

For now, I’ll be cutting down on the essay-length posts to focus on my goals. There are so many things I want to talk about. Books and games and movies and life lessons. Stories, real and imagined. But I only have so much time. I have to start using it wisely. If you’ve followed me this far, thanks for reading.

Don’t worry, this isn’t goodbye. It’s see you later. I’ll be back now and then.

How else am I going to show you the world in color?

Twelve Things I've Learned About Life and Love

2017 feels like the longest year I’ve had in ages.

Not because of how long it took, time is still racing by like an X-Wing shooting for hyperspace. It’s because of the sheer volume of events that have happened. I’m not the same guy I was last December, that’s for sure. I’ve learned and grown. And a lot of what I’ve learned has to do with relationships. For better or worse, most of my year has revolved around one person.

1. Love is not what you expect.

This wasn’t my first relationship. But in hindsight, that first time wasn’t love at all. It was novelty and infatuation, and it was brief. This was the real thing. And it was not at all what I expected.

I’ve written about this before, but it deserves repeating: throw your expectations out the window. Back when I first met the girl I fell in love with, if you’d told me we would come all this way, I would have scoffed. Yet here we are. I wasn’t attracted at first because I had a shallow view of physical attraction. I know now that there’s more than one kind of beauty, beyond what society and the mass media would have us believe. 

Besides, chemistry is only partly physical. It’s also about connection, being able to stay up talking for hours, to unveil your innermost secrets. Being vulnerable and honest with each other. It’s finding someone who reminds you of warmth.

And I spent a lot of time second-guessing all of this. Disney movies and the like have conditioned us to expect fireworks, a revelation, Cupid’s arrow hitting you right between the eyes. I didn’t get any of that. Mine was a quiet moment, a sense of acceptance. I thought, you know what? I’m not going to fight this anymore. This is it. This is how it feels to be in love.

2. Love requires balance.

So you found someone special. That’s great, you’ve gained something wonderful. Now what are you giving up in return?

Like everything in life, relationships are about give and take. We all have limited time, energy and attention, and devoting them to one thing means forgoing others. I gave mine willingly, barely noticing the cost. But there is a cost. Put in too little effort and the relationship withers, but put in too much and you burn yourself out. There has to be a balance.

This works both ways, remember. Appreciate what they’re giving you too. Sometimes you won’t know what they’re giving up to do so.

And that’s the point. You shouldn’t just be there for each other. Make time for family, friends, hobbies outside of work or school. Have time for yourself, to do what you want to do. Read books and pet cats and make art.

And sleep. I like my sleep.

3. Love is not perfect.

If you enter a relationship thinking it’ll be all sunshine and roses, well, I’ve got news for you.

Life and love are a series of ups and downs; you can’t have one without the other. Loving someone means loving all of them. Handling their quirks and insecurities, and the intricacies of their personality. Maybe she gets moody sometimes. Maybe he’s easily depressed. Maybe now and then you just get on each other’s nerves.

Relax. It’s normal. Everyone has flaws. It’s easy to wish for a shining ideal, a picture-perfect prince or princess. There’s just one problem: they don’t exist. In reality, people screw up and make mistakes. We get angry, frustrated and annoyed with one another. Anything else is a fantasy.

There was a point when I realized that I wouldn’t have it any other way. That her flaws were what made her real.

4. Communication is essential.

But you will have fights and misunderstandings. Too much is a bad sign, but a little is healthy. What matters is how we handle conflict.

Again, we’re only human. We misinterpret one another, take things personally or out of context. This is especially true when texting, which lacks the other person’s voice, expression and body language. Raising issues in a constructive way can be difficult. But jumping to conclusions about the other person’s behavior isn’t exactly helpful. Neither is letting problems fester until they burst like an angry pimple.

Talk to each other about the hard stuff. Be honest about your needs, and respectful of theirs. Opening up can be difficult, but you’ll be glad you did.

Vulnerability isn’t just the key to resolution. It’s the key to intimacy.

5. You’ll only learn by doing it.

Go on adventures. Talk to strangers. Kiss the girl.

No matter how much you read or watch or hear, you will never know what something is like until you do it yourself. This is because everyone’s perception is different, based on their own unique life experience and personality. Actually doing it also kills unrealistic expectations. Remember those? You don’t want those. Like it or not, this is the only way to learn.

For example. I used to suck at public speaking. Back in my first year on the job, I was once offered the chance to make an announcement to a large crowd, and turned it down because I had no idea how to do that.

This year I grew more confident. And you know how I got this way? By doing it, actually talking to people, day in, day out. My job hasn’t just given me confidence with animals, but also with people too. I still get nervous, and maybe I always will. But there’s something energizing about facing your fears.

So whatever you wish you could do, if you only had the nerve: go do it. You’ll be awkward and embarrassed, and then you’ll get better. I’m still not the best public speaker, but by now, I’m pretty sure I don’t suck.

6. Do it now.

Because we’re running out of time.

This year saw the first death in my immediate family since I was a kid, and a serious diagnosis not long after. It’s shaken me. We get caught up in our daily routines, deluding ourselves into thinking life can go on this way forever. Then the ending hits you, and everything falls apart.

It’s funny, really. There were so many things I took for granted before. Trips to the library with my mother, running errands and eating pizza together. Little things. I was always distracted, caught up in my own problems. Now I’d give a lot to see those days again. I don’t know if they’re ever coming back.

So appreciate what you have. Spend time with your family. Tell your parents you love them. Work on your passions. Take more risks. Quit that addiction. Eat healthier, get more exercise, get enough rest. Focus on improving yourself. Choose to be better. And if you’re not doing any of these things, start right fucking now.

Trust me when I say that years from now, you’re not going to care what other people thought or what excuses you’re making. You’ll only remember not doing it when you had the chance.

7. Being a man is about making your own decisions.

This one is aimed more towards the male persuasion, but it applies to both genders. Who’s making the choices in your life?

I’ve always been indecisive, shunting choices to someone else. What do I want? I don’t know, what do you want. I told myself I was being considerate of others. But I was really just being insecure. I wanted someone to tell me what to do. Looking back, this was probably a reaction to the uncertainty of my teenage years. But that was then, and this is now.

I never quite grasped that as a man, you’re expected to make decisions. You’re supposed to be comfortable taking the lead. I’d rarely been in a position to do so. This year I was – and I liked it. I felt more confident, like more of a man. It’s only now that I realize that’s how it’s supposed to be, that maturity is about taking responsibility. It’s about making your own decisions.

What? I didn’t have a lot of male role models growing up. So there.

8. It’s all connected.

So you’re not confident. You’ve got low self-esteem. You’re depressed, dissatisfied, paralyzed with fear. You don’t like yourself. I’ve been there; we’ve all been there. Now what are you doing about it?

As human beings, we have a bad habit of believing our actions (or inaction) are without consequence. Witness global warming, deforestation, the vast array of species heading for extinction. Witness addicts in denial, dreamers who sit around and let their dreams die. It’s not a problem, they say. I’ll do it tomorrow. Just one cigarette, just one drink. Just one night. It won’t hurt me. It doesn’t define me.

All lies.

Everything you do defines you. That finally hit home for me this year. I wish it had a long time ago.

One of the most powerful things I’ve learned from Mark Manson is that action inspires motivation. This is why something as simple as making your bed every morning is good for you; it sets a precedent. People wait to be inspired before they take action, and end up waiting forever. They hit rock bottom and only then have the motivation to change. Sometimes it’s too late then.

Our view of ourselves has to be holistic, because everything we do is a part of who we are. You can’t expect to feel good about yourself if all you ever do is eat junk and play video games. Control your vices; kill them if you have to. Be productive, and be creative. Live according to your values. Do things you can be proud of – and you will be.

9. You are your own worst enemy.

But I can’t, you say. I can’t do it. I’m not good enough. I don’t know enough. I’ll never make it.

Stop telling yourself these things. They only hold you back.

I used to do this far too often: I was my own worst enemy. I was afraid I wasn’t any good at things, so I would pick at my flaws like scabs, as though that would help them heal. I actually believed that was better than other people doing it to me, when they never did. So much pointless negativity.

Science has proven that positive thinking enhances creativity and problem-solving skills. It’s like sunlight in your head, illuminating previously unseen possibilities, making you open to trying new things. Negative thinking casts a shadow over everything, giving you tunnel vision, blotting out the answers.

Your level of skill at just about anything is like a tree. The sunlight gives it life, allowing new branches to sprout, new leaves to unfurl. The darkness chokes them before they even have a chance to grow. Which do you choose?

Don’t tell yourself you can’t do it. You can. You just have to believe you can first.

10. The greatest battle is between your head and your heart.

But sometimes you’ll be caught between two different possibilities. What do you do when you’re torn between what you know and how you feel?

Part of being an adult is realizing that sometimes there are no easy answers. Sometimes, you have to choose between two things you truly care about.

I’ve struggled with this for the last few months, and all I can tell you is: go with your gut. If you have a feeling deep down that one path is right, no matter how difficult, then there’s your answer. Doing the right thing is always better in the end. Though the hardest part is letting go of what could have been.

11. Love is not enough.

I spent a long time not wanting to believe this. Part of me still doesn’t. But it’s true: love is not enough.

You see, no matter how in love you are, you still have to figure out the future. Do your goals in life align? Can your relationship survive waiting to be together? If you’re apart, will you be able to bridge the distance?

Love warms you up on the inside, but it’s also an idea. And sometimes that idea doesn’t line up with reality. Sometimes the sacrifices needed to sustain it are too much. And that’s all right. It doesn’t mean what you had wasn’t real, only that it ran its course. Love hurts, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth hurting for.

Sometimes loving someone means letting them go.

12. You can’t rely on someone else to make you happy.

I used to have this idea that if I just had someone to love, I’d be happy. I know I’m not alone here. So many people are waiting for someone to come along and raise them up. I finally found someone, and now I know that this is wrong.

This is the most important thing I’ve learned this year. When you love someone, you want the best for them. You celebrate their strengths and accept their flaws. You want them to succeed, to achieve their goals. You want them to be the person they were always meant to be. You believe in them. And yes, you want them to be happy.

Now why aren’t you applying all that to yourself?

People aren’t medicine. Being in love is great, but it’s not going to magically solve all your problems. Heck, it’ll probably give you new ones. If you rely on someone else for your own happiness, you will always be disappointed, because they were never meant to fill that role. A lover can support you, comfort you, inspire you. But they can’t fix you.

It’s up to you to fix yourself. Only you can make yourself happy.

So build yourself up. Learn new skills and have new experiences. Make peace with your demons, create a life you love and be grateful for the life you already have. What are you waiting for?

2018, here we come.

30 Things That Make Me Happy

So this started out as a challenge on Habitica: every day in November, write down one thing that made you happy. This was easier on some days, harder on others. But it’s been a good exercise in mindfulness. I think I’ll keep doing it. All too often, we focus on the gloom in our lives. This has been a way to keep track of the bright spots – a reminder that it’s the little things that truly matter.

There's more than thirty things. Deal with it.

1 – Unexpected morning messages, just when I needed them.

2 – Photos with friends; making memories.

3 – Lunch with Japanese friends. Travel anecdotes, favorite anime and how live-action adaptations always suck.

4 – Going formal on the spur of the moment. What’s life without a little carpe diem.

5 – Using a water jet on algae-covered concrete. Trust me, it’s very satisfying.

6 – Finding out a complex problem is finally on its way toward resolution. Suddenly the possibilities unfold. The future looks brighter.

7 – Spending time with my mom. Appreciate your parents while you can.

8 – Reading a great fantasy novel. Brandon Sanderson is the man.

9 – In a roundabout way, being inspired to work on my own fantasy novel. I realized that Brandon Sanderson and I actually have something in common: we both have favorite themes, which tend to recur in what we write. Successful people can be intimidating, until you realize they’re not that much different from you.

10 – Watching clouds drift lazily by, and the shadows they cast over distant hills, and green trees swaying in the breeze, and flocks of birds swooping in the sunlight. Knowing there’s an entire world out there, and it’s so much bigger than we are.

11 – Running around playing with hornbills. My job can be exciting sometimes.

12 – Discovering new music. Rock, man. Getting back to the sounds of my adolescence. My Chemical Romance might be broken up, but Sum 41 is still going strong.

Also falling asleep wrapped in something warm, listening to the sound of heavy rain.

13 – Being creative. Working on Wraithblade and coloring. Helps take you away from life’s problems.

14 – After explaining how our young hornbill was rescued, being told by tourists, Thank you for everything you do here.

Also an encouraging letter from my dad.

15 – Kittens! This list would not be complete without cats.

16 – Having a fun conversation with a complete stranger. Once I would have had no idea how to do this.

17 – Reading another good fantasy novel, which I won't link to because spoilers. Go read the first one.

18 – The thrill of applause. It’s fun acting like a frightened tourist wrapped in a python, and then carrying it out with complete nonchalance afterwards.

19 – Wandering around a nice shopping mall by myself. It can be fun doing things alone. You feel free.

20 – The ‘aha’ moment when you realize what you just read applies to you, and you now understand yourself just a little bit better. Mark Manson, yo. He’s good.

21 – Further advances in said problem.

22 – After a long work week, having time to sit back and read.

23 – Thinking about what I want to study in future, and the blended fear and excitement of knowing I’m on my way there.

24 – A long talk about life and love with someone who understands.

25 – Taking a positive step towards my own self-improvement, and feeling motivated because of it.

Also an old friend dropping by at work. Always nice when that happens.

26 – Cuddling one of our friendliest macaws. It’s fun working with animals.

27 – Successful Christmas shopping; getting out of my comfort zone. It’s easy to forget that you must first have no idea what you’re doing in order to get better at knowing what you’re doing.

28 – Knowing I’m coming to terms with the way things are, and moving forwards.

Also simple banter and laughing over nonsense. Some things aren’t all doom and gloom.

29 – Randomly seeing a dog on a shop counter, doing a double take and going inside to pet it. What? I like dogs too.

30 – Spending time with my family. They might get on your nerves sometimes, but if you have people who love you, you’re richer than you think.

December 1 – Bonus entry! Finishing a video game I’ve been meaning to get to for ages.

Really long review coming soon.

Also talking things out with a friend. Catharsis is important. No matter how complicated life gets, everyone needs someone who cares.

And also making people look up what catharsis means.

Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

Gamification: Grab, Habitica and the Power of Recurring Rewards

Uber has changed the transportation game worldwide. 

You can now hail a driver from just about anywhere and be on your way to wherever you want to go within minutes. It’s both cheaper than conventional taxis and more convenient than public transport. Taxi operators are understandably upset. Uber is the upstart, crashing headlong through industry practices, with other ridesharing companies rising in its destructive wake. But this is progress: modern tools like smartphones, social networks and wireless internet combined to create a whole new phenomenon.

Aren’t you at least a little amazed that this is possible? The future is now, people.

That said, Uber also has a string of black marks and scandals to its corporate name, often operating outside the law and actively avoiding law enforcement in countries where it’s illegal. Assuming it is legal where you are, this won’t affect riders (consumers) directly. But it’s something to be aware of.

Because it’s not your only option.

Image credit: Hype

Here in Malaysia, Uber’s Southeast-Asian competitor, Grab, is stealing the show. Both companies use a dynamic pricing model. This means prices fluctuate based on demand. Uber’s prices, however, can be more extreme. Assuming low demand, fares are dirt-cheap. During rush hour, they skyrocket.1 Grab’s prices are more stable and (apparently) don’t count travel time as a factor. Ergo, at times of high demand, Grab is the cheaper option.

Unlike Uber, Grab often gives out free discounts which make rides even cheaper.2 They also give you loyalty points for every ride, which can be saved up and spent on further discounts. There’s also a tier system, whereby collecting a certain number of points raises your membership level and unlocks further bonuses.

See how this works? Though Uber is sometimes cheaper, Grab offers more value for money, with their promos and points and tiers. This all seemed vaguely familiar, until one day it hit me: video games. Treasure, gold and experience. 

Grab works like an RPG.

Today I’m talking about rewards.

Gamification is the application of video game principles to non-gaming scenarios. One such principle is that to encourage a certain in-game behavior, you reward it. This is not a new thing at all. Bonuses, benefits and point-scoring have been around for ages. Credit cards give you points. Heck, my local supermarket gives you points. It’s not that big a deal. But it is an incentive to continue shopping there.

All of human behavior is built around rewards. Think about it. Why do we choose to do anything if not for our perceived benefit? We need to feel rewarded. I’m not just talking about material gain. Your reward for doing household chores could be appreciative family members, or a sense of order. Even selflessness isn’t truly selfless, because we still get the satisfaction of helping others and having done the Right Thing. If we care about something, we invest our efforts in it – and vice versa. It’s that simple.3

To put it another way, we have to feel that the payoff is worth the price. That the effort is worth the achievement. But how many of us recognize that one defines the other?

Winning a medal through hard work and dedication is highly satisfying. The same medal, unearned but intended to make you ‘feel like a winner’, feels worthless. A clean house is a convenience; a house you cleaned is a job well done. The difference is your level of investment.

And video games, for better or worse, excel at making us feel invested. Underneath all the bright colors and action and strategy and narrative, they offer something much more subtle: the illusion of progress. Reaching a new level, clearing an area, defeating a boss. Playing feels like doing things.

These are the principles at work here: investment, progress and rewards. Integral to video games, but applicable to so much more. As others far smarter than I have figured out, doing things can feel like playing, too. 

Image credit: Wikipedia

I first heard about Habitica months ago, but I’m only now getting into it. This is a productivity app masquerading as a role-playing game. Ever wanted to earn gold for doing dishes or level up for finishing that essay? Now you can. You start off as a warrior by default, but can later opt for a healer, rogue or mage. Through completing real-world tasks, your lowly avatar slowly grows into an accomplished badass. 

Yes, of course I'm riding a shadow wolf.

The app splits tasks into Dailies (once a day), Habits (repeatable) and To-Dos (one-offs). They all give you gold and experience once completed, but beware: unfinished Dailies injure you if not completed. You can also punish yourself for bad habits if you so choose. Gold can be spent on in-game items and custom Rewards, where you assign a monetary value to a real-life indulgence.

I drink too much milk tea.

Gaining levels unlocks new skills and powers, which is where the social aspect comes into play. You can join parties and go on quests against amusingly mundane boss monsters, which also helps keep you accountable – because in boss battles, you take damage based on the unfinished Dailies of all party members. Letting your goals slide isn’t just about you anymore. It’s letting the side down.

There are downsides to Habitica’s approach. The interface is quite fiddly and takes getting used to. You have to get invested in it to start with, remembering to input your tasks, give yourself negative marks for bad habits, and so on. And anyone who’s not into video games to begin with would probably avoid this like the plague.

But still. The idea of treating your life as a video game is intriguing. Habitica gives you the same illusion of progress – except you really are making progress. How about that.

Give it a shot. Gamify your life.

I’ll still take Uber when it’s significantly cheaper. I still get lazy and put off dreaded tasks, no matter how much experience they’re worth. Incentives alone aren’t enough to make you do things. Willpower, diligence and critical thinking are as important to a healthy mind as they ever were. 

But rewards can give you a little push in the right direction. Sometimes that push is all you need.

Who says you don’t learn anything playing video games.


1 This is called surge pricing. Based on conversations I've had with drivers and riders alike, it's the main reason people prefer Grab - particularly in congested city centres. A reasonable practice, or is Uber shooting itself in the foot here? You decide.

2 To clarify, Uber does offer discounts. Just not as frequently.

Also, unlike Uber, which interacts directly with your bank account, Grab uses a top-up system much like mobile credit. Drivers reload their digital wallet to begin with; a percentage of each fare is then deducted automatically. Once their wallet reaches a critical low, another reload is required to continue driving.

What surprised me was that from my own experience, drivers will encourage you to use Grab promos when available – because the company pays them the difference in credit. The rider gets an incentive to use Grab for their cheaper fares, and the driver still gets paid. Win-win.

It’s all very efficient. I’m impressed. Grab is currently expanding their digital payments platform into a service in and of itself.

3 Well no, not exactly. Fear, discouragement, laziness and a whole host of other negatives hold us back. If it really was that simple, we wouldn’t need rewards in the first place.